In My Life

Seriously Komen?? Handguns For The Cure??

2012-02-03T08:59:00.000-08:00

image from google

I am pretty speechless writing this post. This is pink washing at its absolute

lowest! I thought I had seen it all with pink tires, pink oil delivery trucks, and the latest perfume debacle I posted about below involving Komen. But alas Komen had hit an all time low with these pink handguns for the cure!

Seriously Komen, please, please tell me this is just a sad joke.

Sure, lets promote violence for the cure! Buy a pink handgun and raise money for breast cancer?

WTF???

Check out this article in the Wisconsin Gazette

and read all about it.

Raise A Stink . . . Komen Strikes Again

2011-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Follow this link to watch on youtube

I think this video says it all and is why I am a huge supporter of Breast Cancer Action.

Please Think Before You Pink!

Loosing My Survivor Touchstone . . .

2011-08-25T08:43:00.001-07:00

It has taken me over a month to find the strength to write this post. But I felt it important to share this with all of you. If you are a cancer survivor then you are probably all too familiar with survivor's guilt. You are also familiar with touchstone's I would guess. Well, I recently lost one of my close survivor touchstones and at the same time feeling lots of survivor's guilt. Then there is also tons of fear in the mix.

When I was diagnosed 10 years ago at the tender age of 31 there wasn't anyone I knew who had been through it. Well, except one person. It was my cousin who had been through it 2 years earlier. She was also in her early 30's with 2 kids at the time. The day I got the news she was one of the first calls I made. It meant so much to talk to someone who was family, and close to my age who had survived a mastectomy and grueling chemo that I was facing. Neither one of us ever thought about breast cancer. You see we don't have a history in our family on either side (our mother's are sisters).

We each handled the emotions differently but had similar treatments. I in NY was treated at Sloan-Kettering, and she in Houston was treated at MD Anderson both top cancer hospitals. She took tamoxifen and I opted not too. I have not had genetic testing and her results were negative. We both changed our diets and questioned environmental causes. I felt a bond with her as family but also as a fellow survivor. I always looked up to her growing up, she was 4 years older than me, so beautiful and kind.

I got a phone call from my mom a week before July 4th letting me know she was in the hospital. And it was bad. I was shocked. You see, I had no idea that her cancer came back 5 years ago. Nobody told me because my cousin didn't want me to worry. Still looking out for me as she did for everyone in her life. She passed away on July 5th. As I write these words I still feel such disbelief. My cousin did everything her doctors told her, even took tamoxifen, went for all her followup tests, made it 8 years before it came back. Here I am alive, healthy, and a 10 year survivor. I cannot help but feel guilty about that and yet at the same time fear for my own life. This feeling surfaced its ugly face when my dad passed from cancer 3 years ago and my sister-in-law passed 6 years ago also from cancer but is much stronger now because it much stronger now.

Next week I go for my annual mammogram and I cannot put into words the fear I am feeling. I know that it is partly from my cousin's death. She was a survivor touchstone for me. I am beginning to think that there has to be some big book up there with all of our arrival and exit dates etched in it somehow. I have to believe there is something more or I don't think I can keep moving forward and let go of the fear . . .

And The Winner Is . . .

2011-06-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

I just want to say thanks to all of you who entered the giveaway! I enjoyed reading your lovely comments!

After throwing all of the names in a bowl ( I like the old school method!) the winner is . . .

RACHEL !!!!

Congrats Rachel !!

Hope you enjoy the book!!

Sheryl Crow's Cookbook Review and Giveaway!!!

2011-05-23T07:42:00.001-07:00

As most of you who have been following my blog know I am a big believer in the mind body connection. I also feel that the food I put into my body can help me stay healthier. Now granted I didn't come to this knowledge until after my breast cancer treatment but better late than never is what I say!

Before my cancer diagnosis 10 years ago I never drank water, never ate veggies, and rarely ate fruit. I lived on diet soda filled with chemicals, prepared foods found in boxes and canned soups. Since then I have traded diet soda for water sometimes with a squeeze of lemon, eat fresh fruits and veggies and occasionally use a juicer. Don't get me wrong, I still do need my pizza and ice cream but try to keep that in moderation.

I was already interested in Sheryl Crow's new cookbook when I was contacted by her publisher to review her new cookbook. I have enjoyed Sheryl Crow's music for years and was inspired by her as a fellow breast cancer survivor. I was already interested in her new cookbook when I was recently contacted by her publisher to do a book review. As I have made significant changes to my own nutrition in my life as a cancer survivor I was curious to see what I could learn.

In the book Sheryl shares recipes created by her personal chef Chuck White. It is broken down into recipes for the seasons which was refreshing to see. I don't know about you but my apetite certainly changes from winter to summer. The book includes tons of recipes including appetizers, soups, snacks, main dishes, and some yummy desserts like the vegan chocolate-mint brownies and watermelon margaritas I am dying to try! It also encourages organic, local ingredients whenever possible which I think is important as well.

If you want to win a copy of Sheryl's new cookbook all you have to do is leave a comment below! That is it! I will be announcing the winner on Wednesday June 1st! Good luck!

PS . . . Feel free to share this blog post if you know any peeps that would be interested in the giveaway! :)

Book Giveaway Winner!!

2010-12-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

I want to thank you all for entering my giveaway!

And the winner is Rona from New Challenges!!

Congrats Rona!!

I hope you enjoy the book!

10 Random Things About Me . . .

2010-12-06T04:49:00.000-08:00

Since I have some new followers to this blog I thought it would be fun to post some random things about me!

Here's my top 10 . . .

1. I love to sing and wish I had a better voice!

2. I love to dance and miss the days when I would go clubbing with friends to Webster Hall in NYC!

3. I am so in love with my pug Bosco that it scares me.

4. I am afraid of flying although it hasn't kept me from traveling. I just hate every second I am in the air.

5. I hate to cook much to the dismay of my husband Lou!

6. I love to go to newport, RI and want to live there someday.

7. I always wanted to live in a house by the beach, hek, I still do!

8. I am a total procrastinator. Always cramming the nite before exams, everything last minute. Why can't I just get it done! lol

9. When I was a kid I saw dead people. They didn't scare me at all. I found out years later from seeing pictures that they were dead family members. I believe in life after death and that those who pass on can communicate with us from the other side. I have been to mediums over the years and find comfort in hearing from those I have lost.

10. I believe that everything happens for a reason even the bad stuff because of what it can teach you about the person you are.

What's in your top 10?

PS . . . There is still time to enter my book giveaway! Tomorrow I will be announcing the winner. If you still want to enter just leave a comment! Check out my last post for more info!

Book Giveaway!!

2010-11-29T05:08:00.001-08:00

I am happy to announce today that I am giving away a signed copy of my memoir Breastless in the City to one lucky reader! In the book I share my experience as a young widow dating through breast cancer treatment. You can read an excerpt via the link at the top of the side bar. This giveaway is in appreciation for everyone who has been on this blogging journey with me here at In My Life. This giveaway is long overdue!

To enter the giveaway is simple. All you have to do is leave a comment (and you don't have to be a blogger). If you would like your name entered more than once become a follower (make sure to tell me). And to enter your name a third time mention this giveaway on your blog (tell me this as well). I will be drawing the name on Tuesday December 7!

Good Luck!!

Taking Cancer Out On A Date

2010-11-05T04:52:00.000-07:00

That is the title of a great article I was interviewed for this week posted in the Philadelphia Daily News. It was penned by Jenice Armstrong. The interview was in preparation for tomorrow's Symposium that I am speaking at hosted by Fox Chase Cancer Center.

In this interview I share what it was like dating as a young widow during my cancer treatment. It is tough enough to navigate the dating scene but it becomes that much more challenging when you are bald and boobless.

Check out the article Taking Cancer Out On A Date. And I hope to see some of you in Philly tomorrow!

Speaking in Philadelphia at Fox Chase Cancer Center

2010-11-03T05:22:00.000-07:00

This Saturday November 6, I will be heading to Philly to share my story on a panel at the Jane Pepper Women's Cancer Symposium being held at Fox Chase Cancer Center. I will be discussing dating with cancer as well as ways that I have fought fear that comes in the life after cancer.

I hope you will join me and the other wonderful panelists for a great day! I will also be doing a book signing after the panel discussion! I would love to see you there! So please come out if you are in the area!

For more information on the event and to register Click Here. Although the deadline says November 1st there are still spaces available!

Sharing My Story On WomansDay.com

2010-10-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was approached by Amanda Greene, an editor at Woman'sDay.com who was working on a story about breast cancer blogging. I was asked to write a narrative of my breast cancer experience and how blogging has helped me along my journey. I was very excited as you can imagine. My piece was included in her article 5 Breast Cancer Bloggers Share Their Stories. I feel so honored for the opportunity to share my voice with so many.

You can check out the article here on WomansDay.com !

Do you have a blog? How has blogging helped you along your own personal journey?

Pink Revisited . . . 20 Years of Cause Marketing

2010-10-08T04:03:00.000-07:00

I have often shared my issues with the pink ribbon and cause marketing here on this blog. I am a big supporter of Breast Cancer Action's (BCA) Think Before You Pink campaign because they challenge companies that may use pink to increase their sales especially those who produce products with ingredients linked to breast cancer. During the month of October everywhere you look there are pink ribbon's slapped on all kinds of products.

BCA puts out a quarterly newsletter the Source and I wrote an article for the fall issue which came out this week. In the piece I share my feelings about the use of the pink ribbon and cause marketing. I encourage you to read it and share it if it speaks to you.

Check it out here! And let me know what you think!

Great Resource For Cancer Patients Regarding New Health Insurance Changes

2010-10-01T03:36:00.000-07:00

It is tough enough to go through cancer treatment but to make the experience more stressful is the need to navigate the mucked up world of health insurance. I remember during my treatment I was living alone and would cringe when I went to the mail box. Luckily I had good insurance but there were still copays and things I had to fight to get covered. I couldn't even deal. So I would watch the insurance statements and hospital bills pile up on my kitchen table.

Recently there have been new health insurance changes that will impact cancer patients and young adults. My friend and fellow cancer survivor Kairol Rosenthal, the author of Everything Changes has a great blog post up with a guide to these new changes which went into effect on September 23, 2010. She discusses everything from insurance coverage, free preventative care, lifetime caps, and pre-existing conditions.

It is so important to educate yourself as a patient and be your own advocate! So be sure to check out Kairol's post here!

Tell Eli Lilly To Stop Milking Cancer!

2010-09-24T05:55:00.001-07:00

Think Before You Pink is a campaign launched by B reast Cancer Action (BCA) in 2002. It was started in response to an increasing concern about the huge number of pink ribbon products and promotions on the market.

This campaign also focuses on what they call "Pink Washers". These are companies that say they care about breast cancer and promote its awareness but produce products that are linked to the disease! Many cosmetic companies put out products with known carcinogens in the ingredients that have been linked to cancer. This is of special interest to me as I try to avoid using products with bad stuff such as parabens and other chemicals/toxins.

BCA's latest campaign is called "Milking Cancer". Head over there and sign the petition to tell Eli Lilly to stop milking cancer! Please take a moment to watch this video. It speaks for itself!

Milking Cancer from Breast Cancer Action on Vimeo.

Do you think before you pink?

This Is One Inspiring Young Cancer Survivor!!

2010-09-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

I am not going to say much about this as it speaks for itself except to say it is a must see! A young cancer survivor gets his chance to sing in a competition despite having lost part of his tongue and being told he would most likely never sing again. He sounds amazing!! I got chills and teared up watching this!

Good News And A Pain In The Boob . . .

2010-08-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

So as an update to my last post on scanxiety, my mammo thankfully came back normal once again! Always such a relief. I don't have to go back to see the surgeon till next year and I am off the hook with breast MRI which I am happy about as well. So it was all good news.

Now on to the pain in my boob. Unfortunately I had a bad mammo tech for the first time in 9 years. I am certainly no stranger to mammo's. I have lost count as to how many I have had done over the past decade. What I am sure of is that I have never had pain during one. It is uncomfortable, yes, but painful, no, not for me. Until the other day . . .

I saw my doc first and then hung out for what seems like an eternity in the always fashionable hospital gown. When I was called in by the mammo tech and she proceeded to set me up in the machine I had no idea the pain that was about to ensue. When she clamped that sucker down apparently as compressed as it would go I felt nothing but extreme pain. Then I felt tears well up in my eyes. I was scared and felt as if I would pass out. I literally could not imagine what the hell she was doing that was causing me so much pain. It took my breath away. Not only was the compression excessive but the length of time for the compression seemed much longer. I felt as if all the color drained from my face. She had to sit me down. I assured her that I had never had pain like that before. She spoke to me as if I was a newbie and assured me that I was not the only one to ever have this kind of reaction. Well, let me say that if she has alot of patients ready to pass out then she is doing something wrong!

When it was finally over she assured me that I would now be able to relax out in the waiting room. I sternly let her know that I could not relax until I got the results. As I walked out of the room I turned as I heard her say "I got a really good picture though. . ." Hmmmm...."Goody for you" I thought to myself.

I have to say it was traumatizing. I never feared a mammo because it was not painful . . . that is until now. I hope that next time I have someone who knows what they are doing. The next day I got in touch with my doctor to let her know of my bad experience with the mammo technician. I can only hope it is followed up on as I would hate to see my experience happen to someone else.

Have you ever had a bad experience as a patient and been vocal about it? What happened? How did you feel speaking up about it?

Scanxiety . . . How Do You Deal??

2010-08-20T05:23:00.000-07:00

So one would think that after 9 years I would be used to followup visits and tests. I stupidly thought I would get to a point where I would be scanxiety free. In the beginning I went for visits every 3 months, then after 3 years I went every 6 months and then when at the 5 year mark I graduated to once a year. And that included an oncologist visit, breast surgeon visit and annual mammogram along with an annual breast MRI.

Three years ago I went through a scare involving a barbaric biopsy in the MRI machine which thankfully turned out to be benign. But my anxiety reached new heights. Then 2 years ago my father died of cancer and I feared for my own life even more. Its almost like the more time I have where I don't have to go for that stuff makes it harder to go back.

I am sitting here wishing I didn't have to go for my mammo in a few days. Tuesday I will be going in for my checkup with the breast surgeon and then the mammo. I rescheduled this appointment back in March and had to wait all this time which is lunacy to me and yet I felt as if I committed a crime. Now I don't want to go at all. Yes I know I am sounding like a whiny kid. I don't want to think of my life in time to live between tests and appointments.

I need to create. I need to paint and sketch to help me with this fear. It always seems to help. So the next few days I will carve out time to do just that. Hoping it will quell some of my scanxiety. . .

What do you do to deal with scanxiety?

New Beginnings . . .

2010-08-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

I have talked many times on this blog about how much creativity helps me deal with my life after cancer and all the fear that comes along with that. Recently I have decided to take my creativity a step further. I have been enjoying learning about painting and mixed media for the past 6 months. I decided to start a new blog just to focus on sharing my creative journey. I will continue to post here at In My Life about cancer related issues and my after cancer life.

I wanted to let you all know about this new blog for those of you who may be interested in following my art! So if you are then come on over and check out Artsy Butterfly!

Hope to see you over there as well!

Beds Causing Cancer?? Now I Have Heard It All . . .

2010-07-30T04:55:00.000-07:00

Who would have ever thought that a place we go to find comfort and rest could be putting us at risk for cancer. I recently read an article that says the boxspring in bed mattresses can pick up radiation waves from radio and television. Supposedly it surrounds our bodies while we sleep and since most people sleep on the right side (myself included) the left side will be affected.

Ok, so although my breast cancer was on my left side I am certainly not going to buy into thinking that it was caused by my bed. But I guess I will stick with my sleep number mattress filled with air...

Read the entire article Your Boxspring Could Be Acting As A Cancer Causing Radiation Antennae by Adam Frucci

Have you heard about this? What do you think? Is there anything left to not fear?

How Safe Are Your Personal Products??

2010-07-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

Its no secret that I started really looking at what I was eating and what I was putting on my skin after my cancer experience. Part of it stems from an attempt to gain some kind of control after going through such an out of control experience. When I started on this journey I had no idea that the FDA does not regulate the cosmetics industry. That is scary to me. The industry can put anything they dam well please in your products. Things like parabens and sulfates are in many products and are chemicals that have been linked to cancer. Whatever you are putting on your skin (which is the largest organ we have) will seep into our bodies. I know it is a new way of thinking but I everyone should be aware and be more choosy about the products you are using. So read your labels and make more conscious choices . . . it will be better for your health and the environment!

Today I wanted to share a video called The Story of Cosmetics put together by the Story of Stuff Project. So take a few minutes and check it out! It will make you think twice about what you are putting on your skin!

Have you seen this video? What do you think? When you are shopping for personal care products do you read the label? Do you look for more natural products?

Bloody Flashback

2010-07-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my friend. We had lunch and chatted it up for hours. It was a great time. On the ride home I came up on a traffic jam. One of those bumper to bumper deals. As I sat there wondering if it was an accident I heard a loud thumping noise. I looked up through my sunroof and saw the huge chopper in the sky. It wasn't just any chopper, it was the one that air lifts people to the hospital. It was like time just stood still. A chill ran through me and I felt a twinge in my stomach.

Pretty soon before I knew it we were doing the dangerous car dance of shifting lanes from two down to one. In single file at about 5 miles an hour I could see the back of the tow truck as we crawled down the road. I saw the tow truck driver sweeping car crash debris off of the roadway. And then I saw the worst of it. It was the crumpled car up on the flatbed. I tried to hold back the tears as I stared at the twisted front tire and crunched driver's side front end. The metal was so demolished that it looked liked pieces of frayed wire. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. All I could see in front of me was Paul's car or rather what was left of it.

I remembered going with my dad to see the car the day after his accident. He didn't want me to go but I had to in a futile attempt to make it seem more real. I could hear the crunching of rocks under my sneakers as I stepped slowly through the dead car cemetary thinking about how it was the last place he was alive. The last place they both took their last breath. The windows were rolled down and I could see his Giant's baseball hat sitting neatly on the passenger seat. As if it was in memoriam. The driver's side seat cradled his brother's hat. My eyes scanned around in an attempt to not really see what was there like the dark crimson blood stains smeared all over the head rest and dashboard on Paul's passenger seat. His light blue denim jacket curled up in a ball on the back seat was stained with the same blood. I carefully pulled out that jacket, grabbed the hat, and put them in a bag where they stayed for 2 years at the bottom of my coat closet. Sometimes in my lonliest moments I would wear it as I cried and wailed while I sat rocking back and forth on my living room floor.

The police said it was the worst accident they had ever seen in all their years on the job in Greenwood Lake, NY. His car the most demolished one in a long time. So much so that a local high school wanted to use it during drunk driving awareness week. Although Paul's accident did not involve alcohol or drugs I agreed to have it put on the lawn to increase awareness in young adults about the dangers of drinking and driving. I searched for any tiny bit of good that could come out of the madness that became my life on that Labor Day in 1994.

It was hard to control those bloody flashbacks for the rest of the ride home. It was almost impossible to hold back the tears. I couldn't help but wonder if there would ever be a day in my life when I wouldn't fall into a black hole from doing a drive by of a car crash . . .

Qigong . . . It Quiets My Mind

2010-07-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share with you one of the things I have found that really helps me with stress relief and quiets my busy mind. I never gave any of this a thought until after I went through my cancer experience and began to look at how I was treating my body. I wanted to learn how to keep it well. And not only my body but my mind as well.

Although I do have my photography, writing, and daily walks this practice of Qigong really helps to center me and relax my neck muscles very quickly. It focuses on moving the Chi throughout your body, the energy each of us has around and within us. When our Chi doesn't move it can cause havoc on the body. I hold alot of tension in my neck muscles which causes headaches. I also have anxiety attacks from time to time mostly caused by my busy mind that never shuts off. It is very easy to do and involves breathing techniques combined with flowing body movements. When I am done my neck is instantly loose and I feel a calmness that I wish stayed with me longer.

This video is a good overview of the purpose and benefits of Qigong. Daisy Lee Garripoli is a wonderful instructor and I have used her instructional dvd's for a few years now. For more info on Qigong and Daisy Lee visit her website HERE.

What do you do to quiet your mind and handle daily stress? Have you ever tried Qigong?

Wild Flowers

2010-07-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a great holiday weekend. It has been super hot here in NY but early Saturday morning I grabbed my camera while it was still cool and headed across the street to capture a few shots of these pretty purple wild flowers. This is the view I can see from the bottom of our driveway. I always wanted to live near the water and reservoir or not I love it.

I wanted to get some macro shots of the flowers. I have a Canon D10 with a macro setting. I have been wanting to get a separate macro lens for my Canon XTi but need to save up the dough for that one! I did however get some great macro shots with the smaller D10.

And then I wanted to get even closer. . .

I am very pleased with how the shots came out. These are such tiny flowers but so pretty and what a vibrant shade of purple!

It has been too long since I have grabbed my camera and headed out the door. As I have said on this blog before it is one of the creative outlets that takes me out of my cluttered busy mind and into a colorful moment.

Do you have a creative outlet? If so what is it? How does it make you feel?

All images are © Cathy Bueti and may not be used or reproduced without permission.

Favorite Summer Driving Song . . . Do You Have One?

2010-06-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today in NY we are finally getting a reprieve from the super high heat and swampy humidity. I woke up this morning to cool, crisp, light air outside and promptly opened all of my windows. A nice change from the constant running of A/C. As I felt the breeze blowing in I enjoyed the scent of new air roaming through the house. It was only 6:30 and I knew it would grow warmer later on but I didn't want to miss this cool morning.

It got me to thinking about how much I love to drive with the windows down on a cool day. I like to open the sunroof, roll the windows down and blast the stereo. Back in the day before I had a car with air conditioning I used the dreaded 4-60 A/C. My first car was a '75 volvo with a pathetic radio. That car was a lemon but to me it mean freedom (until I broke down in PA alone on interstate 81 . . . but thats a whole other story!) Driving with the music blaring, windows down on the highway felt freeing to me. It still does.

Certain songs are really good driving songs especially in the nice weather. For me that song was always Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard. So today when I was out on this beautiful day I played it over and over on my car stereo. I still think I will never get tired of that one!

What is your favorite driving song? What was your first car? What do you enjoy doing on the best weather days?

Going Gray Just For Fun?

2010-06-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

In last year's post Gray Area I talk about trying to accept my graying hair. I decided to stop coloring it last year and am in the process of welcoming the gray and just letting nature take its course. I am still not sure how I will adjust to it as it has been strange to see so many grays popping up and taking residence all over my head. However having said it will always be better than when I was bald from chemo. That will always go down as my worst bad hair day (or rather no hair day) ever.

So I was stunned recently when I heard about celebrities like Lady Gaga, Kate Moss, and Kelly Osbourne dying their hair gray just for the hell of it. Apparently it has become a fashion trend these days. There are apparently twentysomething girls going to the salon having gray put in their hair. It has been seen on the runway as well. With all the women dying their hair to cover the gray it is refreshing to see it coming out in the fashion world. I don't know how long this trend will last but I found it quite interesting nonetheless.

You can check out this article all about it in the New York Post.

What do you think about these celebrities going gray for fun? Do you think this trend will last? Do you dye your hair? Would you ever consider going gray?

What's On Your Bookshelf?

2010-06-18T07:06:00.001-07:00

Reading has always been an escape for me. An escape to another place, a way to meet new people, laugh, and travel even if it is all in my mind. These days my mind is way too busy so sometimes, actually alot of the time, and I need to shut it down. I try to go for fiction although I do enjoy some memoir. I go for the easy reads, nothing complicated for me, just light and fun. Sometimes though a good Patterson novel does the trick. I really enjoy his books. Such a fast pace, great story, and so easy to read with its 3 page chapters! My fav books by Patterson are Sail, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas, Lifeguard, The Beach House and Beach Road.

Today I wanted to share with you a new author I recently discovered. She of course is not new but new to me as a reader. She is Adriana Trigiani. She has written many novels. Most recently I have read 3 of her books. Two of them in her new Valentine Series including Very Valentine and Brava Valentine, about an italian american girl who lives in NYC and works in the family shoe business. I devoured those two books and will find it hard to wait for next February when the 3rd installment in the series comes out. I love stories set in NYC and also with characters who are italian probably because it connects me with my italian heritage. Her books are filled with humor and romance set in the backdrop of NYC. Can't get much better than that for me. Another good novel of hers that I just finished is Lucia, Lucia set during the early 50's in Greenwich village that follows the young life of an italian american seamstress longing for romance and that happy ending.

I for one still enjoy flipping pages in a book, using a bookmark and hearing the binding crackle in a new hardcover. I don't see myself ever going to a Kindle. Although that is so the trend these days with the progression of technology. What about you?

So, what are you guys reading these days? Would love for you to share!

Sex and the City 2 . . . Breast Cancer Survivors And Hormone Therapy? I Think Not!

2010-06-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

I am a HUGE fan of Sex and the City (SATC). So huge that the show was the inspiration for the title of my memoir Breastless in the City. I was pleased to see that the show addressed breast cancer through Samantha's character during Season 6. As a young single woman going through it myself I thought they handled the topic well and portrayed a realistic view of issues such as hair loss and chemo induced menopause. I applauded them at the time.

Having said that I feel that they have let down breast cancer survivors, myself included, with Samantha's menopause storyline in SATC 2. First let me say that I understand it is just a movie and should be fun BUT since they already addressed breast cancer in a show storyline I was disappointed that Hello! there was no mention of it in this movie. It was as if she had never had cancer. Samantha already went through menopause during her chemo and now she is going through it as a 52 year old woman like it was the first time. Every breast cancer survivor knows that hormone therapy is a no no. Most breast cancers are fed by estrogen mine included and that is why hormones are never recommended for us because it can increase the risk of breast cancer.

I wondered what the writers were thinking having Samantha slap on estrogen, other types of hormone creams, and patches to battle menopause symptoms. She became a walking advertisement for Suzanne Somers' book on bioidentical hormone therapy. Not to mention that they could have at least addressed the life after cancer that so many of us deal with. It was as though Samantha's life never changed. There were no checkups, scans, or emotional struggles related to her cancer experience. I really think that the writers missed an opportunity to bring to light the issues so many women with breast cancer face after the treatment is over.

I am only 40 years old but thanks to my chemo 9 years ago I have been in menopause for the past 2 years. Hot flashes galore, night sweats, crazy mood swings, and dare I admit it low libido. I deal with it. Some days not well but I deal none the less. Even on my most hot flashy days you will never see me slapping on hormone creams. . .

Did you see SATC 2? What are your thoughts on the movie? If you are a bc survivor what do you think of the Samantha and menopause storyline?

Twin Titties . . . A New Low In Breast Cancer Fundraising

2010-06-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

When I heard about this I gasped. There is a bar in Minneapolis raising money for breast cancer by having women enter their boobs in a contest. I for one am not a big fan of the "T" word. I prefer "Boobs"not that a word change would have helped quell my disdane for this offensive breast cancer fundraiser. According to the Bootleggers Bar website the winner receives a Victoria's Secret gift card (not too predictable) and a bar tab gift card to encourage more alcohol consumption cause that is oh so healthy. The winners will also have their "dual" posted in the bar no doubt for all the men to drool over. Could this be more disgusting? Oh, but wait. . . it must be ok because it is all in the name of breast cancer research.

And I thought that the KFC debacle and the Men For Women Now Campaign were bad enough. I think that the gawking men are the winners here. This is just more exploitation of women cleverly hidden under the guise of breast cancer fundraising. Because what man doesn't want to help a good cause especially if it involves getting to see some boobs? I like to believe that most men are better than that . . .

Check out the complete article here on jezebel.com.

Have you heard about this? What do you think? Are you offended by this "fundraiser"? Do you find the "T" word offensive?

Remembering Dad And Feeling Grateful To Have Made Amends . . .

2010-06-02T05:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks the second anniversary of my father's passing. He was only 60 years old. It was pancreatic cancer. He used to tell me when I was growing up that he wouldn't live to see 65 years old. I told him to stop saying that. He never did. And then it happened.

I hate admitting this to anyone but mostly to myself. . . I stupidly thought that losing him wouldn't be as hard as it has been because we weren't that close. His drinking and depression came between us. I can tell you that this has been very tough both as a daughter and a cancer survivor. The survivor's guilt has always been with me even as I just celebrated my 9th year cancer free on 5/31 the same day as my 7th wedding anniversary to Lou. It is bittersweet to have just celebrated the other day and now feeling the pain of loss.

Here is an excerpt from my book Breastless in the City where I share our last conversation on his 60th birthday on 4/6/08 . . .

When he answered the door, I almost didn't recognize him. He had let his short crew cut grow almost as long as his beard. He had lost so much weight that his face was all sunken in. He was there alone. It was just the two of us. We sat and talked for awhile.

After some small talk, he said, "Next time around I will be a better dad."

I wasn't expecting that. I responded, "You did the best you could."

"No I didn't, I did what was best for me."

At that moment all the crap between us didn't matter. I don't remember who hugged whom first. I think it was me. As we embraced, it felt foreign and comforting at the same time. Then he said, "I love my little girl."

And I said, "I love you too."

Then the tears began and I was crying so hard I could barely stop. There were tears in his eyes too, which was a first. At that moment Dad and I had finally arrived at the place it had taken my whole life to get to and we were saying things to each other that we never had before. I don;t think either of us had planned on having that talk. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I, for one, am glad it did . . .

i[2]y . . . Giving A Voice To Young Adults With Cancer!

2010-05-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

I have long been a supporter of the Im Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation since its inception in 2007. It is an invaluable resource for young adults with cancer. I wish they had been around when I was diagnosed with cancer back in 2001 at 31 years old. This is a new video they put together about their foundation. Please share! The young adult voice needs to be heard!

Cancer . . . Was It Just Part of The Plan?

2010-05-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

"Please don't forget to wear your seat belt." I said to him for the millionth time.

"You worry too much Cat. It doesn't matter if I wear my seatbelt or not. If its my time to go I will go no matter what." he said

Paul and I had that conversation the morning he was killed. And wouldn't you know it. . . he got the last word. He was wearing his seat belt.

Some spiritualists believe that you make choices or rather your soul does before entering into this life. You chose your parents as well as the experiences you will have both good and bad in order for your soul to learn the lessons. Some even believe you choose your check out time.

I do believe in that and have always believed things happen for a reason. That there are no coincidences. Even the bad stuff I have gone through has served a purpose. When Paul died I felt as though it was his time, that he had served his purpose here on earth and it was time for his soul to move on. He even believed it too as you can tell from our seat belt talk.

Over the years as a cancer survivor I have spent way too much time trying to figure out how I am still here when so many around me have died from cancer including my own father. Was it what I ate, was it mental stress, or was it the chemicals in my skin care products. Then I think about the people that abuse their bodies and still live a long life. Now it seems as though I obsess over it in an effort to control my fear of recurrence. All of this obsessing is causing me to miss too much of my life, too many moments. It prevents me from living in the now.

Lately I have really been wondering about it all in an effort to just let go. I want to feel free, free of the fear. This is what lead me to wonder if cancer was just part of the plan?

I know it sounds crazy to some depending on your belief system. This is what I am sitting with lately. I would love to hear what you think. . .

Are you a spiritual person? Have you ever wondered why the bad things happen? Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Do you think that cancer could be a part of the plan? Is there a grand plan out there in the universe for each one of us?

These Dreams . . . Heartbreak That Never Goes Away

2010-05-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

Those of you familiar with my story know that I was widowed when I was 25. It was the most horrific day of my entire life. I remember pulling up to my house that bright sunny afternoon when my gut sank to my feet as I looked at the police car waiting for me in front of my house. There was no question in my mind...he was dead. It was surreal. It was like everything I had seen in the movies. The police walk the wife into the house and carefully break the news as the she crumbles in tears on the floor. I would come to find it was a head on collision that killed him and his brother. Even as I type these words it still feels surreal all these years later. Not to get all new agey but I always worried about Paul especially when he was driving. I always wondered if it was a premonition type fear.

For years after the accident I worried about everyone I knew when they were out driving. I would call and panic if they weren't home. I began to fear everyone in my life would meet the same fate. And I would wait for the call from the hospital or to see a police cruiser pull up at my house. When I first met my husband Lou 8 years ago truth be told part of me did worry about him. How could I not? That fear had become etched in a deep part of my soul. But as the years had gone by I became less fearful of losing him. And thought I had beaten that fear up until the other day when he was late getting home. Lou will always call me to let me know that he will be late. I know the exact time to expect him home. I feel a sense of relief when I hear the diesel engine of his truck as it pulls into our driveway. So the other day when it was half past five and there was no call nor sign of him I felt a little pinch in my gut. It certainly wasn't full on panic but it had crept into my thoughts with things like "I couldn't survive this again." A few minutes later my phone rang and it was him. Calmness washed over me. He was ok.

I thought the fear was gone. That is until my dream that very same night. All I remember was being in our house wondering where Lou was because he was late getting home. I was pacing the floors in our bedroom. I heard the door open. I smiled and rushed out to see him. I could feel my heart sink when I saw two police officers sitting at my kitchen table. They were in full uniform including their hats. I locked eyes with them as they were staring at me quiet. The next thing I remember was screaming "NO" and I woke up screaming at that moment. I couldn't believe it. There was no mystery to the meaning of that dream. And even 15 years later the fear came busting out from my mind in a dream.

Have you ever experienced something that remained with you and still affected you years later? Do you experience your deepest fears in any dreams? What is the most significant dream you ever had?

Fear . . . How Do You Deal?

2010-05-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

That is the title of my guest blog post live today over at Jean's Cream Community Blog. Fear is something I have dealt with most of my life and I am sure many of you can relate. In this post I offer some tips on how I deal with fear.

Jean's Cream was created by a two time breast cancer survivor who wanted to help others deal with the side effects of radiation from cancer treatment as well as other various skin conditions. Their community blog is full of tips and inspiration for those affected by cancer. I was pleased to be asked to contribute to their blog.

You can check out my post here. Would love to hear your thoughts and comments!

Lipstick . . . Never Leave Home Without It

2010-05-07T04:41:00.000-07:00

When I was little I used to watch my grandma put on her makeup. She would take out her compact, add a little revlon pressed powder to her face, and then apply her lipstick. All her life that I knew her she wore Revlon's lilac champagne in the green marbled tube. And that was all the makeup she wore. She never left the house without lipstick. Sometimes she would add a little "rouge" as she called it back in the day but that was it. She was still wearing lipstick in her eighties. And it was still lilac champagne.

I thought of her yesterday when I was putting on my eyeliner and mascara as I headed out the door. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wondered what was missing. I don't really wear anything more than eye makeup. I looked kinda dull. When I reached my destination after a long drive I reached in my bag for my lipstick. I quickly applied it using the rear view mirror as my guide. (and yes, I was parked!) My face looked brighter as did my eyes. It just completed my look. There are some days that I run out of the house with a little lipstick and nothing else. And although I don't like to go out without my eye makeup I do notice that wearing lipstick brightens my eyes. Even when I was going through chemo I made sure I at least put on some lipstick. With no eyelashes or eyebrows I sure needed something to brighten up my face.

Right now I am using Burt's Bee's lip shimmer in toffee. They cost only about $5 and the colors are great. It also has a nice peppermint taste.

What's in your makeup bag? Do you wear lipstick? What brand and shade do you like these days? What completes your look?

Favorite Quotes . . . Do You Have One?

2010-04-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

When I was writing my memoir Breastless in the City I was already thinking of the quote I wanted for the beginning pages of the book. I wanted something to inspire but also speak to the life I have lived so far. So I decided on a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. . . "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

Most recently this quote by Miles Davis resonates with me . . . "Do not fear mistakes. . . there are none." I have always felt as though everything that has happened in my life was for a reason. Believe it or not . . . even the bad stuff.

The Serenity Prayer has helped me many times. My Dad taught it to me when he learned it through Alcoholics Anonymous. . .

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I think that quotes and prayers can help us in countless ways when we are going through tough times. They can inspire us, speak to us, and make us look at our situations differently. At times even lend much needed perspective to help us see through the darkness.

I could go on and on here because there are so many great quotes but now I want to hear from you guys!

Is there a quote has really resonated with you in your life?

Kathy Griffin's Public Pap . . . Did She Go Too Far?

2010-04-28T05:05:00.001-07:00

I think it is great when celebrities draw attention to various causes. But I have to say I was a little startled when I heard about Kathy Griffin's "Smear Campaign". She had a pap smear done in public that was filled for her show "My Life On the D-List" to raise awareness for cervical cancer.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Kathy Griffin, watch her show all the time and have see her live twice. I think she is a hysterical comedian. That said I couldn't help but wonder if she went too far with this public pap. Although I do like her statement "Tell Cancer To Suck It!" I am not sure if people watching her get a pap was really necessary. Maybe she did it for publicity? I understand that her original intention was to raise awareness however, I think it borders on bad taste. But that is just my opinion. Then again, wasn't it Katie Couric who started this whole "publicize your cancer screening test" by airing her colonoscopy on TV?

Read the article about Kathy Griffin's "Smear Campaign" in the Huffington Post.

What do you guys think? Are you in support of celebrities airing their cancer screening tests on TV? Do you think that is more effective that just speaking out about it in order to help raise awareness?

The Amoco Man Lets Me Know He Was There . . .

2010-04-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I drove out to PA for a speaking engagement at my alma mater Misericordia University. I was very excited at the opportunity to share my experience with the OT students there. As an OT myself I felt as though I had learned a valuable lesson during my cancer experience being a patient for the first time. That is what I felt would most benefit the students I was speaking to.

It was a great night but I couldn't help but think about my life 20 years ago when I first left home to go to college. And then I thought about my Dad and how proud he was of me even though he didn't always let me know it. I thought about how he would have liked to have been there that night to hear me speak. Then I wondered if he was in some way.

On the ride home my wondering stopped when we pulled into a gas station to fill up. It was a no name station but my husband the mechanic always tells me it doesn't matter. . . all the gas is the same. As he was filling up the car I caught a glimpse of a car that was the same car my dad drove with one of those obnoxious CB antennae's attached to the trunk lid. Dad had one of those too.

As I started to chuckle Lou hopped back in the car and said

"This is an Amoco station. I asked the cashier when I was paying."

"You're kidding me right?"

"No, why? What's the big deal?" he responded with a puzzled look on his face.

"When I was little my dad's CB handle was Amoco Man and the one he gave me was Rose Bud Marie. He worked for a short time pumping gas at our local Amoco station. That's just weird don't you think?" I said after telling him about the car that drove by earlier.

"Yeah, that is weird."

"Well, I guess he was here after all." I said hoping it was true.

When we got home and Lou showed me the pictures he took during my speech we both noticed something weird in a few of the photos. Some weird watermark looking circle on my shirt (see top photo) and that same circle hanging out in midair in another photo (see photo below) I have heard of strange stuff happening in pictures like that and wondered if it was a spirit of some sort. And I thought of Dad again.

Am I crazy or has anyone else heard of this type of thing happening?

I like to think that it was my Dad hanging out around me during my speech.

One thing I know for sure is that if he were alive he wouldn't have missed it for the world. The Amaco man would have been proud of his Rose Bud Marie. . .

What do you guys think? Have you ever felt as though you got a message from the other side? Have you had spirits show up in pictures?

Free Spa Services For Cancer Patients

2010-04-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

When I was going through my cancer treatments I tried to keep up with my weekly manicures. Even though I had to be more careful of cutting my cuticles with the new risk of lymphedema I still enjoyed my girl time. For those moments I felt more normal, and calmed. It was something that made me feel better and something I did just for me. And believe it or not it helped with my body image which was all but in the toilet during that time. Certainly a massage would have done wonders with all the stress that I just about carried around via boulders in my neck muscles.

I was excited to recently find out about a great charitable organization that provides free spa services to cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy. Angie's Spa funds hospital programs across the country with the purpose of providing those free services to patients. It is an all volunteer organization with 100 percent of donations raised going toward hospital programs.

Angie's Spa is named in memory of a young breast cancer survivor Angie Levy who battled breast cancer for 9 years and passed away at only 36 years old. You can read more about Angie's story here.

Become a fan of Angie's Spa on Facebook and help spread the word!

What did you do during your treatment that was just for you? Did your hospital offer spa services during your treatment? Do you have a story to share about Angie's Spa?

KFC's "Healthy Grilled" Chicken NOT So Healthy. . . What Was Komen Thinking?

2010-04-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

The Komen/KFC saga continues. Not only is the whole partnership disgusting to make it more ridiculous new information was just released about KFC's allegedly healthy addition to the menu. . . the grilled chicken. The Physicians Committe For Responsible Medicine(PCRM) recently released results of testing that found "substantial amounts" of a carcinogenic chemical in samples of the KFC grilled chicken. So now on top of the unhealthy greasy fried chicken in the bucket that you can buy to save some boobs is the "healthy grilled" chicken that could cause cancer. And these results are not new, they were released in June '09. So how did Komen miss that one?

And lets do the math. . . 50 cents of the $20 bucket o' fat goes to Komen. That is only 2.5%. As I said in my last post. . . KFC is going to make out a lot better on this deal and may even contribute to the cancer epidemic that Komen has been fighting for years.

Read the complete article Carcinogens Found in KFC's New Grilled Chicken.

Were you surprised to hear about the grilled chicken? What do you think of this next chapter in the KFC/Komen partnership?

Pink Nausea Hits Fast Food Market . . . KFC Teams Up With Komen to Save Some Boobs

2010-04-12T13:46:00.001-07:00

When I heard about Buckets for the Cure it turned my stomach much like fast food fried chicken would. What kind of a toxic combo is this anyway? Ummmm.....yes lets encourage people to consume fried chicken that is unhealthy in order to donate 50 cents to Komen and fight a disease linked to poor nutrition. Eat some fried chicken and save some boobs. Its just that easy! Please Komen be kidding me!

I think this is disgusting on many levels. I am sure that KFC will make tons more money than Komen will ever see. Yet another example of pink washing . As a breast cancer survivor I would much rather see people show their support by donating to an organization such as Breast Cancer Action whose Think Before You Pink Campaign brings much needed awareness to pink washing or to the Im Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation which is a great non profit supporting young adults with cancer.

Have you heard of this new campaign? What do you think? Will you buy a bucket to support breast cancer?

Rescheduling My Annual Mammo . . . Why Does It Feel Like I Committed Crime?

2010-04-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

As 2009 drew to a close my boob started to hurt. It happens like clockwork each year as my annual mammo draws near. It was scheduled for March 2. That and a followup visit with my breast surgeon.

In an effort to put myself first and explore new creative interests I came upon a flyer for a painting class at my local arts council. I have always wanted to learn to paint. I am a creative person. Being creative helps ground me and deal with fear. At times fear seems to be my daily companion. The painting class certainly peaked my interest. And then I saw the date of the first class. It was of course the date of my annual mammo. Now when I make these followup appointments it is 6 months ahead of time as I leave another appointment. Who knows where you will be in 6 months. I was pretty bummed. Then I had a thought. . . Why don't I just reschedule? Seemed simple enough at the time. Until I called and found out that I would have to wait 6 months to get one. I have to say that I was shocked the wait was that long.

What did I do? Well, since it had been over 8 years of remission for me without missing one single followup test or appointment I decided to give myself a break so that I could take the art class. I figured that 6 months would not make or break me and the art would help heal me.

I have to say though that I felt as though I committed a crime. That I somehow broke the unspoken rules. I hate feeling this way. I can't live my life in between medical appointments as if that is the only way I will feel ok. It is a hard habit to break. It is the fear that hangs over my head all the time. . .

Have you ever rescheduled a followup test? Ever felt guilty or scared about it? How do you handle your post cancer checkups?

Revisiting The New Mammography Guidelines

2010-04-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

I shared my view of the new mammography guidelines on this blog back in November when the USPSTF issued the changes. As most of you know these changes caused quite the stir in both the medical community and those living with breast cancer especially younger women.

I recently had the pleasure of cowriting an article for The Source, a quarterly newsletter issued by Breast Cancer Action (BCA). BCA is a national organization that "challenges assumptions and inspires change to end the breast cancer epidemic." I have often referred to them on my blog in reference to their great Think Before You Pink Campaign. BCA is one of the few in support of the new mammography guidelines. You can read about where they stand on the issue here.

Check out Screening and Mammography: The Real Story written by myself and Angela Wall the Communications Manager of BCA.

Then come on back and share your thoughts!

OT Relates Experience As A Patient. . .

2010-04-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

That is the title of a piece by Josephine Campbell from the Times Leader that I am featured in today. I will be speaking at my alma mater Misericordia University in Dallas, PA this Thursday 4/8 at 6:30 pm about my cancer experience and my transition from OT to patient. I will also be doing a book signing. If you are in the area please come on over! Would love to see you there!

To read the full article and get more details on location check it out here.

Talking To The Dead . . . Do You Believe?

2010-04-02T04:44:00.001-07:00

In a recent post "My Doggie Sees Dead People" I wrote a bit about my experience growing up seeing dead people in my room at nite. I got to thinking about the topic again and wanted to share some thoughts about mediums.

As I grew older those visits from the dead slowed down and eventually stopped. If a dead person visited me it would be in my dreams. Possibly that was the only way I could handle it. The only way it wouldn't freak me out. And then I started seeking out mediums who could talk to the dead for me. When my husband died I really got into it. I so wanted to still feel connected to him from wherever he was in the afterlife. I have always believed that our souls live on after we die. I believe that we are all energy and it is our energy that moves on to the next phase of existence.

In May of 2000 I went on a trip to Barbados. It was a psychic retreat headed by none other than John Edward. It was before he blew up and his career took off like a rocket. I feel very lucky to have had that experience. I met many great people looking to connect with loved ones as well as a group of wonderful mediums including Suzane Northrop. There were group readings with Suzane and I had a private reading with John. It was amazing. I know there are many skeptics out there but the things I was told were so specific there is only one place the messages could have come from. . . my dead people.

Since then I have made an annual trip to a medium to hear from my lost loved ones. It is a gift I give to myself. Although they say that each one of us has the ability to communicate with the dead I have too much swimming around in my busy mind to ever be able to hear them. I do get messages in dreams and songs I hear on the radio at certain moments. I know I am always connected to them and it makes dealing with the loss a little easier.

So this Sunday on what would have been my dad's 62nd birthday I will be thinking of him and missing him. I will light a candle that I hope he will see. In a whisper I will tell him I love him. Somehow I know he will hear me. . .

Vitamins Increasing Breast Cancer Risk . . . What's Up With That??

2010-03-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

It can be dizzying trying to follow all the different studies regarding breast cancer. Like some of you I want to do all I can to prevent this horrible disease or at the very least reduce my risk factors. So I was a tad alarmed when I read about a recent study that came out about vitamins increasing the risk of breast cancer. The study was in women aged 49-83 but still. . . this just doesn't make sense to me. It didn't state which vitamin it was just "multivitamins". I always take my daily dose of vitamin D as that has been known to help fight cancer. And I also take the B's and C's. So what is a girl to do? Or man for that matter?

As I live with the fear of recurrence floating over my head like a dark cloud I can't help but try to improve my lifestyle and diet. Although I try hard not to become controlling and obsessive about it as I have written about before on this blog but information such as this makes my head spin. I makes me wonder. . . what are we doing wrong here?

Check out the full article "Multivitamins Linked To Cancer" and let me know what you think.

Do you take any vitamins? How do you handle all the info out there relating to your illness? Does it make you confused? How do you handle the "after cancer" life?

Avoiding Breast Cancer With Lifestyle Choices . . Is It Really That Simple?

2010-03-26T05:21:00.000-07:00

A new study was recently released about decreasing the incidence of breast cancer with changes in lifestyle specifically exercise and diet. If women lost weight and just exercised more they could decrease their chances of getting breast cancer. It cites that "25-30 percent of breast cancers could be avoided if women were thinner and exercised more. . . " Fat cells excrete estrogen so I do understand that aspect of it as most breast cancers including mine are estrogen fed. Now while I understand the reasoning I cannot help but wonder. . . Is it that simple? Before my diagnosis I was exercising and I was not overweight. So apparently those two things did not help me avoid a diagnosis. I also was not a smoker nor did I drink which are other lifestyle choices that can increase risk. So where was my benefit?

I think about my grandma who ate whatever she wanted in moderation and lived to be 85 staying out of the hospital and away from doctors until the last year of her life. I think about how when she bought her meat it was not laden with antibiotics and her produce was not drenched in pesticides. That was during a time when cancer incidence was much lower than it is today.

Something I found particularly interesting in the article was this statement regarding genetics and cancer. . . "The genes have been there for thousands of years but if cancer rates are changing within a lifetime that doesn't have much to do with genes." The majority of breast cancer diagnosis' are in women with no family history myself included. I think that what also needs to be explored is the environmental causes I noted above as well as emotional stress and its toll on the body. I am glad to hear there is much needed discussion as to the causes of breast cancer I would just like to see it have a wider view.

I don't know about you but I sure would have like to have "avoided" my cancer diagnosis.

Check out "Up to a third of breast cancers could be avoided" by Maria Cheng

What did you think of this story? Do you think that lifestyle factors can increase risk of cancer? When stories like this come out does it make you want to blame yourself for your disease?

Hoarders. . . Way Beyond Just "Clutter"

2010-03-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

When I was going through cancer treatment suffice it to say that my apartment was a tad cluttered. My kitchen table was covered in a mound of paperwork, mostly medical bills and unopened mail. I had clothes on the floor of my closet and a bathtub that needed cleaning. I just didn't have the strength at the time nor the inclination. I was physically as well as emotionally exhausted. In my closet there was even a box of Paul's stuff. I couldn't stand to part with it. It included pictures, letters he wrote to me in highschool along with the jean jacket they had to tear off of him when he was being extricated from the car he was killed in.

I understand it is hard to get rid of stuff especially that belonging to those we have lost. I know all about clutter. In a past post I wrote about my clutterbuggin. Hoarding....now that is a different story. I recently caught a glimpse of this show Hoarders. It was deeply disturbing. Have any of you seen it? It is so way beyond clutter. These people literally cannot even walk around in their homes because of all the crap piled up to the ceiling. It borders on dangerous living conditions. Some even disgusting. One woman had dead cat carcases somewhere in the house. Others have cat and dog poop just laying on the floor in the kitchen. One couple was sitting in the middle of their bed eating dinner.

I wonder if these "hoarders" began as clutter bugs like me. It made me feel disturbed but also sad to see people living this way. When it came time for the person to part with all the junk there was a visible emotional reaction to getting rid of anything. I suppose it is not just about the "stuff". It is what the "stuff" represents. That part I could understand but at some point you need to let go of "things" to be able to live.

Have you seen this show? Were you disturbed by it? Have you ever had issues with clutter? Is it hard to part with things that belonged to someone you have lost?

The Mom Gene . . . Do You Have It?

2010-03-18T04:20:00.000-07:00

I always knew I was missing the mom gene. Ever since I can remember I knew somehow that I was not meant to be a mother this time around. Although I used to play house when I was a kid and loved to babysit as a tween when I got older I wondered if it was meant for me. I was married at 23 and my then husband Paul wanted to have 6 kids or some ridiculous number like that. I would look at him like he was crazy. He loved kids, loved to be around them. I on the other hand was so uncomfortable around kids. I never quite knew what to say or do and felt all this pressure just being in their presence. Looking back now I can say I was on the fence then. But if Paul wanted them I probably would've gone along with it.

After he died I never thought I would marry again let alone have a family of my own. When I turned thirty I started to feel like I really didn't want any children. Then cancer came at 31 and changed everything. My doctors discussed fertility options prior to my chemotherapy and I was well aware that my treatment would most likely leave me unable to have a baby. At the time I really didn't have a strong feeling about having a baby so I didn't pursue saving any of my eggs. Truth be told I was so screwed up and terrified that I couldn't really see into the future. I wasn't sure I would even have one. I think it may have been the missing mom gene.

Chemotherapy threw me into instant menopause and 8 years later I don't think it is going away any time soon given my age. When I met my husband Lou during my treatments I was concerned about whether or not he wanted children. I was pleased to find that he didn't. We were on the same page. I think it is super important for a husband and wife to agree on the baby thing.

Last nite I caught a glimpse of a documentary about a couple who unexpectedly have quintuplets. The husband was found to be infertile and admittedly didn't want to have kids. But his wife wanted to have them. So they agreed to use a sperm donor and had one child. Then she wanted one more. Back to the sperm donor they went and oops....then came 5! It got me to wondering...especially about the husband. He never wanted kids and now he has 6. And not even his own. I wonder what the stress of all that will do to their marriage. More than that I wonder how he feels having "given in" to the pressure from his wife who wanted kids so badly. Its one thing to compromise on a place to live or where to go on a vacation but children? I say you both need to be on the EXACT same page as far as that goes.

I can't help but wonder if the little feeling I had my whole life about not being a mother was something my soul knew. That it all happened how it was meant to be. I lost my husband and then my ovaries went on strike from cancer treatment. I had the odds stacked against me anyway. Maybe that is why I always had that instinct about myself. And then I wonder how often one person in a relationship "gives in" to the other when it comes to starting a family. . .

Did cancer treatment affect your fertility? Did you always know where you stood on the kid thing? Are you and your partner on the same page about having kids?

Cosmetics and Skin Care . . . Ever Wonder About The Ingredients?

2010-03-16T03:59:00.000-07:00

I remember as a little girl watching my mom when she was getting ready to go out for the evening. I would stand in the doorway of the bathroom studying the way she put mascara on her eyelashes and swept blush across her cheeks just before she would dab on lipstick in crimson. Ever since I can recall she dyed her hair. And to this day at 61 years old she does not have a gray hair on her head.

I wasn't allowed to wear any makeup until I was 15. But for some reason when I was about 13 my mom let me get eyeshadow just to play around with meaning I couldn't leave the house with it on. The colors were baby blue and a light shade of green. Hey...it was the eighties! And then when turned that magic age I invested in my first eyeliner pencil. Nautical blue by Maybelline. I washed my face with ivory soap and used babymagic lotion for a moisturizer. As you can see not much thought went into my skincare routine. When I was in my twenties I started caring more about my face and tried a bunch of different products. What I wasn't doing was giving a thought to any of the ingredients.

After cancer I tried to clean up my act. I changed my diet, drank tons of water, and even tried juicing. I also started hearing about toxic stuff in skincare that could be absorbed into the skin. It is the largest organ we have. Words like parabens and sulfates were becoming things I feared. I became obsessive over it. And that obsession came from fear of recurrence. So as I was in the shower lathering up with my pearberry scented shower gel I started to wonder if it could harm me. This fear began to extend to everything I was using from lipstick to shampoo.

As I miss the days when I gave no thought to the chemicals in my lipstick or face wash I can't help but wonder if there are any others out there like me. I know that part of it is from my cancer history. What I am having a hard time with now is finding balance. The balance between enjoying the little things in life to obsessing over what I put on my skin. Shopping for makeup and skincare is no longer fun for me. I am tired of reading labels and running from chemicals.

Having said all that there is a website where you can check the toxicity of your skincare products. Head over to cosmeticsdatabase.com Just don't obsess over it like I do!

Have you given any thought to what is in your skincare products? Do you fear that your skincare or makeup could make you sick? How do you handle those feelings? What are you using on your skin these days?

Cards For Cancer

2010-03-12T05:38:00.000-08:00

When I was hospitalized for breast cancer surgery one of the things that helped lift my spirits were the cards I received from friends and family. It may seem small to some but for me it brightened my day. I felt scared, alone, and sad. Reading my cards helped me get through those long and frightening days.

So today I want to tell you about a great organization called Spirit Jump and their First Annual Cards For Cancer Day. Spirit Jump is a non profit founded by Meghan Edelstein a cervical cancer survivor. Its mission is "to provide hope and comfort to the many men, women, and children battling cancer." The way they do this is by sending cards and gifts to those going through cancer treatment.

On April 10, 2010 they will be delivering bags of cards to cancer centers all over the world which will be handed out to those battling cancer. What a great idea right?! For more info on how you can participate in this great event head on over to cards4cancer.org . The cards can be handmade or store bought. Their goal is to deliver 100,000 cards. If you are not able to participate please consider making a donation.

Did a card brighten your day when you battled an illness? What is it about such a simple gesture that can make all the difference? Are you already a supporter of Spirit Jump?

Time To Spring Ahead . . .

2010-03-10T04:53:00.000-08:00

This week has been fabulous springy weather up here in NY. I definitely have spring fever. I already feel better. My winter blues are slowly fading. I like waking up to the sun early in the morning. And what I really love is the extra daylight in the evening.

Every year I look forward to longer days. I love turning the clocks ahead. And that we get to do that a few weeks earlier these past couple of years is even better.

I am one of those people who has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It is self diagnosed of course. BTW. . . how appropriate are those initials! Anyway, I always notice my mood changes in the winter with the lack of daylight and the cold weather. My appetite even changes where I eat more as if I was a bear going into hibernation. I miss being outside, I miss having the fresh air blow through the windows in the house, and do not enjoy the potential of slippery roads from the snow. I feel more trapped. Spring brings on more freedom for me if only in my mind.

When I was going through chemo it was during the fall/winter months. So when the spring rolled around my hair was growing back just as the flowers were waking from their winter naps. It felt like a rebirth in more ways than one. I think that the time of year certainly increased that feeling for me.

So this weekend when we turn the clocks ahead I will look forward to longer days, more sunlight, and those sweet little crocuses. . .

Do you ever get SAD? Do you notice your mood changes during the winter? Does the lack of sunlight affect you? How do you deal?

Bad Hair Days. . . Do You Complain About It?

2010-03-04T04:35:00.000-08:00

We all have bad hair days don't we? I know I do. But when I faced the loss of my hair during chemotherapy I swore to myself that when my hair grew back I would never complain about bad hair days again. Losing my hair was the hardest part of my cancer experience. Yes, even more difficult than losing my breast. My bald head was the one thing I couldn't successfully hide. I was so self conscious about wearing a wig. I didn't have the confidence to sport the bald head.

I was so grateful to have my hair back. Once I had enough peach fuzz covering my head I ditched the wig. I was very comfortable with super short hair as I have had it many times in my life. I have experimented with all lengths and colors. My hair grew in super curly and I welcomed the change. Then a few years later after one haircut it became pin straight. Recently I have even decided to let my hair go gray. This past fall I cut it short in part to get rid of highlights I had and make it easier to grow out the color. I have to say that seeing the gray is weird. But for me I just don't like the all the chemicals from hair color and the maintainence it takes so we'll see how I handle the gray thing.

As the summer approaches I have toyed with the idea of cutting my hair very short again. I have hot flashes all day long and just don't have the patience for long hair. And I thought about what is stopping me. My husband startled me the other day when he listened to my latest hair rant and said "After all you have gone through with your hair why are you making such a big deal out of this. . . do whatever you want with it?

He was right. I have already been bald. Why do I still obsess over my hair? Haven't I learned that it is not about the hair? I should be grateful to have hair adorning my head. I feel as though having had cancer and experiencing the hair loss that comes with it instantly revokes my right to ever complain about a bad hair day for the rest of my life . . .

Do you complain about bad hair days? As a cancer survivor do you ever feel guilty for complaining about your hair? Why do you think the hair thing so important? Or is it?

Is It Ever "Just" A Headache Anymore?

2010-03-02T04:45:00.000-08:00

The night of my first chemo treatment was one of the worst of my life running a very close second to the night my husband was killed. I remember being home alone laying on the couch when the worst headache of my life began. The pain was so intense I was crying. It was all centered right above my eyes taking over my whole forehead. I had to turn the lights down and keep my eyes closed. As the tears ran down my cheeks I was afraid I would die alone that nite on my couch. I was banned from taking advil according to the oncology nurse so essentially I was screwed. It was probably from dehydration combined with all the poison pumped into me that day.

So last night when I had a really bad headache in the same place on my forehead it rushed me right back to that first chemo nite. It always does. Each headache I have had since (and there have been many) unwillingly takes me back to that moment. All of the fear and even some tears. The flashback got worse when I took advil and it didn't work. So there I was on the couch with the lights low holding back tears. I have had headaches all of my life. This is nothing new for me. I have even had this discussion with my oncologist who says that if it is not any different then it is nothing to worry about. And part of me knows that and agrees with him. But it is in these moments when all the bad memories come rushing back amongst the pain that another part of me cannot distinguish between the two. The fear gets as intense as the pain.

I wonder if there will be a day when a headache, a sneeze, or a stomach ache won't scare the hell out of me...

Does this ever happen to you? Do symptoms you had before cancer scare you now? How do you deal with the fear? How do you put it all back in perspective?

The Notebook. . . It Just Gets To Me

2010-02-23T08:56:00.001-08:00

"I am no one special, just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough."

This is how Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook begins. It is the line in both the movie and book that I have been unable to forget. I have watched this movie about 10 times already in the past 6 months and I still never tire of watching it. It has become my favorite movie ever. Each time I watch it I am left wondering what it is about it that just gets to me so much.

Everyone enjoys a great love story and this is one of those. But when I really think about the story of Noah and Allie I think about that first line. I think about the simplicity of life back in that time. I think of how in love they were. How strong of a love it was to have brought them back together after years of being apart. Then I think about when Noah tells Allie that marriage is not supposed to be easy, it will be hard. But that he wanted to share all of it with her. I think they challenged each other. Because it was tough it made them both better individuals. The relationship Allie had with Lon was too easy. He had money, gave her everything she wanted, but there was no challenge. She was a different person when she was with Lon. She lost her spark. The one she had when she was with Noah. It was the kind of love that has the power to challenge and change you. In the end Allie realized where she truly belonged.

In a world where everyone is looking for their 15 minutes of fame, the big break, the ultimate success, what really matters is love. I wonder why that is too often put at the bottom of the list. I think sometimes I focus on all the wrong things. All that I need is always right in front of me. And then I wonder why is that not enough?

Did you see "The Notebook"? What message did you take away from it? What is it about this movie that gets to you? What is your favorite movie?

Do Our Souls Know When It Is Time To Check Out??

2010-02-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

Although I have not been following much of the Olympic Games I was sad to hear about the luger who was killed during training. As I continued to read the article I was more stunned to hear that he told his father a few days prior that he was "scared" of the track. It gave me chills. It got me to thinking about Paul and his brother Louie. It made me wonder if we know when we will be moving on from this life.

This is a question I asked myself years ago when the accident happened. First I thought about the conversation that Paul initiated the night before he died. It was a discussion about what would either of us do if we lost the other. He told me that I would be ok and move on without him. Then I thought about how I found a small article Paul wrote about this life complete with a message for others. It was almost prophetic. I thought about his brother Louie when he told us how he was afraid to drive and didn't want to get his learner's permit. What 16 year old doesn't want to drive? He waited till he was 18. He had his learner's permit when he drove the car that killed them both that day. Ironic. . . no??

Then I thought about how when I was a kid I learned about what kind of hospital Sloan Kettering was I actually thought to myself "What if I have to go there someday? I wonder if it was a premonition way back when that I would get cancer? It was the hospital where I was treated almost 9 years ago.

I am sure this all sounds crazy to some but not to me. I can't help but wonder if somehow our souls have knowledge of when our lives will end. That it is something not in our conscious mind but an awareness we have that doesn't make sense at the time it may come through to our being. My first thought when I read this story was that the fear of that track was coming from his soul's knowledge of check out time. Paul used to tell me "Don't worry about me so much Cat. . . when my number's up its up. . . "

What did you think when you read this story? Do you believe in soul's? Do you think our souls have any knowledge of the future?

My Doggie Sees Dead People. . .

2010-02-16T06:41:00.001-08:00

When I was a kid I saw dead people in my room at nite. I realize this may creep some people out. I am one of those who believes in life after death. I believe in the ability to communicate with the dead.

This would always happen at nite when I was in bed. I would look through a fuzzy haze in the dark and see someone standing in my doorway. Some were strangers to me that I would later recognize in old family photos. Dead family members I had never met. That truly freaked my mom out. It never scared me back then. The spirits would just look at me, smile, and wave. Over the years since I have had a few occasions of seeing dead people. One of them was Paul. I saw him the night that he died. To me it was his way of coming back to me to say goodbye. I have had many readings with mediums. I even went on a retreat with the medium John Edward just before he blew up and became untouchable.

They say that children and animals have a greater ability to see spirits. Partly because there is no fear there. It is their innocence. So it didn't surprise me one evening last week when my dog Bosco woke up and started barking at something in our living room. I stopped what I was doing and sat silently watching him. I didn't want to distract him. There were no noises outside. The room was dimly lit. I watched his head and eyes distinctly follow something back and forth across the room. It was as if he was watching someone. It didn't scare me at all. I figured it was just one of the dead people coming by for a visit. When my husband walked into the living room to see what all the barking was about I told him my theory. Lou walked over by the corner of the room that our dog was staring at.

Jokingly Lou said "Where is he Bosco? Over here?" motioning his arm up in midair as if to put it around someone.

I watched his expression change as I asked "What is it?"

"Look. . . all the hair on my arm is standing up. I just felt a chill go through me."

"Bosco I wish you could tell us who it is." I said finally breaking his concentration.

I couldn't help but wonder who it was. I have no doubt there was somebody in the room with us that nite. This has happened many times over the past year and a half since my dad passed away. My dad never had the chance to meet Bosco. I like to think he comes by to play with our dog who he no doubt would have loved as much as we do.

Do you believe in the ability to communicate with the dead? Have you ever experienced any connection with the spirit world? Have you ever been to a medium and received messages from loved ones who have passed on?

Painting And Creating. . .

2010-02-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe I am sharing this but here it is. This is my second attempt at a new creative outlet. The first one was not suitable to share. I actually hate what I did. But if I really take a look I would realize it speaks about the state of my mind lately. It is very busy and cluttered. But rather than give up I decided to give it another try. I was thinking cherry blossom as I was painting this one. I had never even held a brush before. So I bought a book about painting with acrylic. I read it from cover to cover and then headed to the craft store to pick up some supplies. It is no secret that I love photography. To me that is art. I create with my camera what I capture through the lens. I have always wanted to paint. I was intimidated with the thought of trying to create something from imagination. Something without that lens. I was only to rely on my mind.

I remember when I was in the fourth grade I won an art contest. It was a blue first place ribbon. I used pastels to make a butterfly. I was so proud of what I had done. I never expected to win. It certainly wasn't the best of the class. It is a memory that has stayed clear in my mind for all these years. I no longer have that ribbon nor do I have the drawing. I only have the memory of it in my head. Then life got in the way and as I grew older I never felt good enough or confident enough to pursue any of my artistic interests. Not even writing.

Although I was less than pleased with my first painting I have to say I enjoyed the process. I was excited to be brushing color onto the canvas. To be creating in a different medium. To be trying something new. I was lost in the moment of what I was doing as much as I do when I am behind my camera lens. The noise in my head began to quiet down and I lost all track of time. That is why creating is so important for me. It always helps me deal with fear and anxiety. It brings me into a moment, into the present.

I wish I knew how to do just that on my own. Until then I am glad I have found new ways to step outside of myself. I will try not to be discouraged with the product and enjoy the process. . .

Do you paint? What made you pick up that brush? What ways does creativity help you? Any advice for this newbie painter?

Etsy. . . Where Handmade Rocks!

2010-02-05T04:27:00.000-08:00

I first heard about Etsy back in the fall of 2005 before anyone knew what it was or how big it would get. I was having fun making beaded jewelry at the time and thought of selling it on Etsy. But being the procrastination queen I am it never happened. Now Etsy has blown up and is THE place to buy and sell handmade. I think it is great because it has given new life to handmade products. There are so many things out there made on machines or by an assembly line of people. It is wonderful to shop on Etsy and see all the wonderful creations people have made with their own hands. I made my first purchase there in December. It was an acrylic art print. I love it! I have it framed and hung on the wall in my living room. I am inspired each time I see it. Thats the thing about Etsy....its ability to inspire!

I have often spoken about how creativity has helped me deal with fear. When I focus on a project it takes me out of my busy mind for that time and a shift in my focus happens. Whether I am making a beaded bracelet or spending time behind the lens of my camera. I get caught up in the moment and loose all track of time. I feel happy, calm, and inspired. I have found it to be essential to my emotional well being. Problem is I don't do it enough. Sometimes I have a hard time getting started especially when my mind is running around lost. But if I can get in the zone....who knows where it can take me.

This past Christmas I made my own cards for the first time. I used images from my photographs and handwrote my own sentiment. It was the most fun I have ever had sending out cards. Sharing my photography and being creative with it was great. I plan on doing it again! It inspired me to use my photos to make cards. And it led me to FINALLY open my first Etsy shop Cathy Marie Creations I have started out with my photo cards and eventually plan to share some of my beaded jewelry. It is exciting for me to put my creativity out there. I hope you enjoy it!

You can check out my shop here. You can also scroll down the right side of this blog and get a preview.

What is your favorite way to be creative? How does your creativity help you? Have you ever been on Etsy? Are you a fan of handmade?

Boobie Bracelets. . . Are They Offensive?

2010-02-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have referred to my breast's as "boob's" for years never thinking anything of it. In my book Breastless in the City I used that word quite often. For me it is just a way to lighten up things when talking about breast cancer. I certainly didn't think it was an offensive term. Apparently to some it is.

Have you heard about the awareness bracelets that recently made the news and the school that banned them? Keep A Breast is a non profit raising awareness about breast cancer and they are selling bracelets that say "I love boobies". There is a middle school in Santa Clara, CA where some of the students are wearing these bracelets. It is causing quite the ruckus. The school administrators have banned wearing the bracelets even though they admit to being in support of the cause. The female students were getting harrassed by the boys over the bracelets.

Middle school is such a young age and I wonder whether or not they even get the point of the bracelets or just find it humorous especially since the wording on the bracelets is poking humor at the issue. Apparently the female students were getting harrassed by the boys over the bracelets. Personally I am not offended by the bracelets. I am not sure though if it warranted banning students from wearing them.

Read the story here.

What do you think? Did you hear about this story? Do you think the bracelets should have been banned? Do you find them offensive?

Fake Perfumes. . . Oh So Toxic!

2010-01-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

I remember when Carrie and Samantha were buying fake Fendi bags out of the trunk of a car in an episode of SATC. Well that was no where near as dangerous as buying a fake perfume except for the dog that chased them down an alley on their way there!

I always buy my perfumes at a department store or Sephora. Although I have seen discounted perfumes being sold in different places I have never purchased it anywhere else. And now I am very glad I never did. Harper's Bazaar magazine recently did an article in their January issue titled "The Fight Against Faux Fragrances" by Maria Ricapito. It was quite disturbing! The article stated that fake fragrances have been found to contain things such as antifreeze, urine, and bacteria. As you can imagine this can cause skin rashes and has the potential to make you sick. Your skin absorbs everything you put on it. I would be horrified to find out that I had absorbed things like urine and bacteria from my perfume! These counterfit fragrances are being sold online as well as by street vendors and flea markets. The author also included a list of ways to spot a faux fragrance.

According to this article the best place to purchase fragrances is at department stores and stores like Sephora which is where I will continue to purchase mine. Check out the story at the above link.

Where to do you buy your perfume? Had you heard of this type of counterfeiting before? Do you know anyone who had a bad reaction to discounted perfume?

Signature Scent. . . Do You Have One?

2010-01-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

I always wanted to be one of those women...the ones who would walk into a room and their scent proceeded them. I wanted to have a signature scent. This was ever since 4th grade. I loved the perfume my teacher wore. She wore it every day. It was her signature. As I grew up I wanted to smell like her. She wore Babe by Faberge'.

That wasn't my first perfume. I wasn't allowed to wear perfume till I was a teenager. The first one I remember wearing was Luv's Baby Soft. Then as I got older that wasn't mature enough for me. What I discovered though was how certain scents made me feel. Whether it was my own or that of a boy I was crushing on.

I started to discover that I could find comfort in familiar scents. Certain ones could make me feel happy, or sexy, or even sad. When my husband died just the smell of his cologne could bring on the tears. I remember sitting on the floor of our walk in closet the day he died smelling the lingering cologne on his shirts that needed to be laundered. When I wrote him letters during our dating years I always sprayed my perfume on them and he did the same.

These days my favorite perfume is Amarige by Givenchy. I have been using it for many years now and I love it. It is a warm, woodsy, musky scent. Those types of scents make me feel comforted. I am not one to go for anything sweet or too fruity. Amarige is just classic and timeless to me. I used to wear it everyday and then got away from doing that. Now I am thinking that it is time to get back to it!

Do you have a signature scent? What was the first perfume you remember wearing? Do you wear perfume every day? How does it make you feel?

Early Detection For Pancreatic Cancer

2010-01-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know my father passed away in June of '08 from pancreatic cancer. Like most patients it was diagnosed too late and he lived only a year from his diagnosis. And that was longer than they predicted when the docs gave him 8 months. He didn't go see a doctor until he was unable to eat due to vomiting and couldn't keep any food down. The culprit was a tumor on his pancreas that had already attached to the bottom of his stomach preventing food from passing on through hence the vomiting. He suffered for years and years with abdomen pain, gas pain and pain in the mid back. All chocked up to digestive issues. He just about lived on alka seltzer. Who knows if these could have been signs of something worse. That is the thing about pancreatic cancer. . . it has symptoms that can be mistaken for something else. It is one of the most deadly cancers with only 2 % of patients surviving 5 years.

I read an article in USA Today about a new test for early detection of pancreatic cancer. It is an experimental test which detects a protein found in pancreatic tumors. The article also said that early detection is not enough. Only 20 percent of patients with early detection survive. Although I think this is promising news I feel that there needs to be more talk about prevention. More discussion about lifestyle choices that can put you at risk for this type of cancer.

My father was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. These have been listed as risk factors for pancreatic cancer. Even celebrities who have come out about having this disease such as Patrick Swayze and Michael Landon were admittedly heavy drinkers and smokers. I am not saying that these are the causes however I think that when we talk about prevention these particular lifestyle choices which can cause a myriad of health issues should be considered more closely with regard to this type of cancer.

Check out the article here. . .

Experimental blood test may help diagnose pancreatic cancer earlier - USATODAY.com

What do you think of this news? Do you believe in lifestyle choices putting someone at risk for cancer? Have you lost someone from this deadly cancer?

Cell Phones. . . The Worst Thing to Happen to Driving Since Alcohol

2010-01-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched part of the Oprah Show and the topic was distracted drivers. Oprah is asking people to declare the car a no phone zone. Now I am sure some of you can relate to being distracted while driving. But what they were really referring to was driving while talking or texting on your cell phone. I don't know about you but I cannot manage to text well when I am not moving! I could not imagine trying to do it while I was driving nor would I ever want to as it is way to dangerous. I cannot believe there are people out there that do. The thing that cured me from talking on my cell phone while driving was when I realized once I ended the call I had no recollection how I got from point A to point B. And it was enough to scare me. Obviously my brain couldn't tackle those two things at once. Too much shifting attention required.

According to a show guest our brains are not wired to handle that. Startling new research reveals that driving while talking on your cell phone is the same as driving drunk. And texting while driving is worse making it 8 times more likely to get into an accident. See the show clip here.

When I am on the road I see many drivers using cell phones. Alot of times they are the ones driving in front of me super slow unable to stay straight in the lane. So as I pass them to get the hell out of their way I see them chatting or texting on the phone. As if it wasn't bad enough that there are drunk drivers out there. Now we need to stay clear of "distracted drivers".

I am a big believer that things happen how they are meant to. My first husband Paul never wore his seatbelt and I used to get on him all the time about it. He would say to me "When it is my time to go I will go no matter what". Sure enough he was killed in a car accident. Yes he was wearing his seat belt. I guess he got the last word on that! But seriously though it does scare me to know that people are out there making the roads that much more dangerous than they are already. I don't spend too much time worrying about it because I would never leave the house. I can only do my part and drive as safe as I can.

Remember when you first got a driver's license and thought you were invincible? Those days are long over aren't they?

Do you use your cell phone while driving? Do you know anyone who was killed needlessly by a distracted driver? What do you think of Oprah's No Phone Zone?

He Just Wanted To Sit In The Sun. . .

2010-01-15T06:09:00.000-08:00

I walked into his room and found him near the window. He was quietly reclined in his chair. The sun was beaming. It was lighting up his face. Ninety years spent living. All the good and bad of it. The years had taken a toll. I hoped it was a life well lived.

I looked at his hands crossed in his lap. What were once big and strong time had worn away. No doubt from years of hard work. The joints looked swollen and stiff. Thick glasses framed his blue eyes. He was fumbling with the cuff button on his black and white plaid flannel shirt as I approached him. Some small talk led me to ask him where he was from. "The Bronx" he said sternly with pride. I told him that was where I was from too. He said he enjoyed being out in the sun. Then I asked him if he went to Orchard Beach way back when. It was a beach my mom enjoyed going to as a kid. I saw the corners of his mouth erupt into the first smile as he said "Oh sure. . . all the time."

Although he would not go to rehab with me that day I enjoyed the few moments spent talking. Before I left I asked him what he wanted to do. "Please just let me stay here in the sun. I just want to sit in the sun." he said. As I watched him close his eyes for a bit I couldn't help but wonder if in his mind he was taking a trip back to that beach . . . young, carefree, in a body that hadn't yet betrayed him.

Do you ever wonder what life will be like at that old age? Is there a place in your mind that you like to visit during your quiet moments?

Alyssa Milano takes on Jersey Shore. . .

2010-01-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

I hate to admit this but I watched the first episode of Jersey Shore on MTV. I barely made it through the first hour and thought "Why the hell am I watching this?" I thought it was a pretty ridiculous. I might go so far as to say I lost some brain cells from watching it. And now the twentysomethings starring in it are reality stars. These days many people are getting their fifteen minutes of fame. And for some it can blow up to much more. Some undeservedly so. Kate Gosselin is one example. Now just a hairstyle change puts her on the cover of People magazine. But I digress.

Apparently this reality show is angering some Italian Americans due to how they are being portrayed. And one famous Italian American, Alyssa Milano has expressed to the media her disdain for the show. She has also gone so far as to do a video showing her transformation into "Snookie" one of the dare I say "characters" on the show. It is a take on the video for the Dove Campaign For Real Beauty.

Check out Alyssa Milano's Evolution. Let me know what you think!

Do you watch any reality shows? Have you seen Jersey Shore? What did you think?

Its Only Skin Cancer. . . Right?

2010-01-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

This is what I heard someone say recently. I have to admit it startled me. And this person had skin cancer. I couldn't help but wonder why she would say something like that. And then I wondered how many others felt the same way. As a breast cancer survivor I am glad there is a ton of awareness out there about that disease but I also feel that other types of cancer do not get enough recognition, not enough awareness. According to the National Cancer Institute skin cancer is the most common form of cancer with 1,000,000 new cases in 2009 alone.

Jerry Seinfeld even wrote an episode around it. It was the one where he dates the dermatologist and calls her "Pimple Popper MD" because he doesn't think she is a real doctor. After all she wasn't saving any lives right? That is what he believes until he meets the man she saved from skin cancer. Although Seinfeld was poking fun there is nothing funny about it.

My mom is a 2 time skin cancer survivor and I know many who have had it. I am just now regretting all of those days I spent as a teen burning myself to a crisp just to see some tan skin. My girlfriend and I would hop the train and head to the Jersey Shore. We would spend the day at Seaside Heights hanging out on the beach. Sunblock was just not an option. It was so not cool back then. I would get home at night crying to my mom with blistered skin. She didn't have much sympathy for me. I had done it to myself. Just plain stupid.

I think that skin cancer gets a bad rap for being seen as "not a real cancer". I think more people need to take it seriously and be vigilant about taking care of the largest organ they have....the skin. I know I have to....

Do you think that skin cancer is not taken seriously enough? Are you vigilant about your skin health? Have any bad sun burns you regret now?

Cancer and Relationships Part Two. . . So I Have Cancer And You Think That Makes Me Easy?!

2010-01-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

That is the question I asked myself when I was dating during my cancer treatment. Sure, I wondered who would want to date a girl who lost a breast and was totally scarred up. But I never imagined that I would meet a guy who thought I would be easier to get in the sack because of my cancer diagnosis.

Well, I did meet him. His name was Kevin. We certainly were not strangers. We had dated prior to my diagnosis. Kevin was pretty full of himself and came on pretty strong when it came to relationships. Especially in the intimacy department. On our first date he was an octopus, pawing at my clothes right after dinner. Call me crazy, but I shy away from being groped. We only saw each other a few more times after that. Then we lost touch. And I was ok with that.

But one night a few weeks after my surgery he showed up at my door late at night. As I looked through the peephole of my door my heart sank when I saw him. Here is the booty call I thought to myself. And sure enough after some small talk at the door he put his arms around me and before I knew it he was leading me over to my couch.

He told me that he heard about my diagnosis and wondered why I hadn't called him. I could feel the puzzled look on my face. I almost didn't know what to say. I was too dam startled. As I filled in the blanks about my diagnosis, surgery, and upcoming chemo I realized that he had other things on his mind. It was the moment that he grabbed my hand and nonchalantly put it between his legs. He was up and ready wanting me to know it. I will spare you the details but lets just say that I quickly asked him to leave. I felt relieved at the ease of his exit.

After he left that night I couldn't help but wonder if he treated me that way because he thought I was a charity case. Did he think I should consider myself lucky that someone still wanted me? Did he think I would be easier to get into bed now?

In the end though it only mattered what I thought of myself. That night as I laid in my bed alone I wondered if someone would be able to see anything other than sickness when they looked at me. Then I wondered if I would be able to. . .

Did you ever feel that your cancer diagnosis affected how you were treated by the opposite sex? What is your craziest dating with cancer story?

Best Moment of 2009 . . . Do You Have One?

2009-12-31T10:06:00.000-08:00

As 2009 comes to a close I can't help but think about what a year it was. I always spend some time reflecting at the end of each year. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This year I want to focus on the positives. So I got to thinking. . . what was my favorite moment?

I don't have just one. It is hard to choose. There were many moments that were good. The one that stands out in my mind is the rerelease of my book Breastless in the City back in May. It has been my most exciting experience of the year. Having the wonderful opportunity to work on a new edition and share more of my life with others is a blessing to me. And the wonderful people I have met along the way has made it even more fun.

This was also a year I reconnected with old friends. Friends I hadn't spoken to in 20 years. That certainly has been another highlight of my year. Realizing that no matter how much time has passed it is like you can pick up where you left off. We may have more wrinkles on our skin but we are still the same inside!

It goes without saying that I am grateful for yet another year of good health. I celebrated my 8th year cancer free and my 6th wedding anniversary in May to a wonderful man.

I look forward to 2010 with hope for good health, good times, happiness, and love. And that is what I wish for all of you...

What is your favorite moment of 2009? Do you often reflect as one year comes to a close? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

New Years Resolutions. . . Do You Make Them??

2009-12-29T05:01:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that in a few days it will be a new year. As this time rolls around I always think about new beginnings and a fresh start. One thing I do not do is make resolutions. I never have. Although I do think about changes I want to make in my life and wishes I have for the new year. I think if I were to make a resolution I would not stick to it. Then again, it is hard for me to stick to anything lately!

Looking forward I wish for more peace in my life, more fun, less stress (don't we all) and to worry much less than I do. I want to get organized and really clean out stuff, not just physical things but the stuff in my mind that holds me back. And that my friends is that hardest part.

I want to spend more time doing what makes me happy and brings out my creativity. For me that means pictures, paper, beads, colors, stickers, and words. I don't want to take things for granted. I don't want to relearn lessons from the past. I want to leave the past in its place.

This list is a work in progress for me. I need to make a vision board as a daily reminder of the places I want to go. . .

Do you make resolutions? What is on your list for the new year?

The Rockefeller Proposal

2009-12-22T03:59:00.000-08:00

I am standing on the sidwalk staring at my mittens. My hands feel so cold I don't want to take them off to refasten a button. Its the button high up on the neck of my new grey and pink stripped wool coat. My fingers feel numb and I think maybe I should invest in a new pair of much warmer mittens. The wind whips through my long hair. I feel it burn my cheeks on its way past me. I refuse to wear a hat as not to mess up my hair. I am wearing lipstick so a much needed scarf across my face just won't do.

He is standing next to me. I can feel the warmth of him coming through his winter coat. It is my first time seeing the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center and I am in awe of its beauty. The lights are twinkling so bright I can feel the corners of my mouth burst into a smile. It feels like I am somewhere else. Somehow transported to another place. I am thinking about how magical this time of year can be. I feel his arm slip around my waist. I am home is what I think. We have known each other for so long how can it not feel that way. The crowd is two deep at this point. It is like we are the only ones here. I barely feel him grab my mittened hand as he is leading me over to the other side of the tree. I am glancing up at the angels so bright and white. I am unsure of where these steps are taking me.

The wind is kicking up again blowing the smell of roasted nuts from a street vendor toward my nose. We are both silent. I am wondering if he can read my mind.

"Hey Cat...take your mittens off. " I hear him say.

"No way! Its freakin freezing out here! My hands are cold as it is."

"Just for a minute. Please..." he says.

I don't want to but I do it. Anything for him. I am hoping he will hold my hand to keep it warm. I feel him slowly grab my hand.

As I am turning around to hug him I watch him lower himself to the ground.

"What are you doing? Its freezing! Did your shoelace come untied or something?"

He is now on one knee. And I still don't get it. My heart is racing. I am not sure why. I think that maybe this is the moment. My eyes are beginning to widen despite the cold hard air blowing into them. He is glancing up at me with the smile of a wide eyed child. It is happening too fast. I don't want to miss it.

"Cathy, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" he asks.

I am wondering if this is really happening. And I don't want it to end. I am in shock. I see only him. The tears are welling up. I am afraid they may freeze on the way down my cheek. My lips are quivering now.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!!" I say.

I feel the ring slide on my finger and then become intertwined with his hand. As he is pulling me up to him I am thinking about how happy I am. I almost feel giddy. I can see the tears in his eyes too. I can feel them now as his cheek is touching mine. His arms are holding me tight. And I am thinking again how good it feels to finally be home...

That was 20 years ago today...Still hard to believe he is gone...Funny how time flies....And where it can take us...

Miss Independent

2009-12-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

I often wonder if the circumstances of my life made me very independent or I was born that way. The classic nature vs nurture debate. I however take it to the extreme and at times can be so independent that I refuse others help or get angry at the offer. That of course depends on what state of mind I am in at the time. The weaker I feel the less I want the help.

During my first marriage and the years of our relationship before the wedding I was very dependent on Paul. Mostly emotionally. I didn't realize it at the time but I almost lost myself in him. My self-esteem was so low that I depended on his view of me to help me feel better about myself. Of course I didn't realize any of this until years later after he was gone. During that first year of my widowhood I went to the other extreme. I didn't want help from anyone certainly not my family. I was depressed, angry and so dam sad. It was like I wanted to prove to myself that I could survive. That was it...I totally fell into survival mode. My dad was the one who came around the most when Paul died. And at the time I resented it. I didn't want anyone's help. Least of all him.

And then came cancer. 7 years later when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I was still single living alone. I instantly jumped back in to survival mode. I was yet again angry and terrified. I wanted to prove to myself I could somehow survive on my own. My dad once again stepped up to the plate and was instantly in my face wanting to do everything to help me. From spending everyday in the hospital with me and wanting to move in with me when I was discharged home. I told him no. I wanted to struggle and survive on my own. I often wonder if we had not had such a difficult relationship if my reaction to his offer would have been different. Of course there were times that I wished I had help but I only wanted the help of the husband I had lost. And then was angry at him all over again for leaving me.

Why do I go to such extremes? Even today, cancer free, married to a wonderful man and I still have a tough time with having support or help when I need it. Is it that I feel undeserving of it or that I want to prove to myself I don't need it? Sometimes I think that it is part of me heading back into that survival mode for when the other shoe drops....

During the tough times in your life did you welcome help from others or go into super independent mode? How did you react when others offered help? Did you ever ask for help during those times?

Cancer and Relationships Part One. . . Has Cancer Left You Feeling Unworthy??

2009-12-15T05:39:00.000-08:00

I realized for me the answer to this question is a resounding yes unfortunately. During my cancer treatment I was out there in the online dating world which as we know is tough enough without the added stress of being bald and boobless. I tried to be hopeful and wanted to continue with the parts of my life that I enjoyed and were important to me. Dating was one of those things. In my book Breastless in the City I share many of these dating experiences as well as the reasons why I stayed with men that were bad for me. One of those reasons had to do with cancer.

I didn't realize it at the time but I felt so unworthy because I had cancer that I made some pretty bad choices in men. I began to feel as though cancer made me instantly undateable. I felt like no man in their right mind would want to date a girl with cancer. Beyond the hair loss and losing a breast there was that tiny issue of survival! I wondered who would want to date a girl who might not survive another year. All of the self-esteem issues I struggled with my whole life really rose to the surface during that time.

So I met the guy who didn't mind I had cancer. He told me so. He told me he wanted to be the one to see me through it... the one to be by my side. It almost seemed to good to be true. And I would come to find that was exactly what it was. I began to dismiss the anger he had towards me, the unkind words, his thoughtless behavior, and how he was verbally abusive to his children. All that began to matter to me was that he was with me despite my cancer. I realized I felt so dam unworthy that I let myself stay in this bad relationship. And then I wanted out. It was then that he finally showed his true colors during a fight that went a little something like this...

"I just can't do this anymore. . . this isn't working" I said

"What are you talking about? What do you mean?" he asked with a puzzled look on his face.

"You know what I mean. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I'm sorry."

"What? After everything I did for you? This is how you thank me? Like this?" he said with an angered look on his face.

I stopped and wondered for a second just what he meant by that and almost didn't want to know. Unfortunately he quickly cleared up my confusion.

"You have no idea what I have done for someone like you." he said.

"Just what do you mean someone like me?" I asked

"You know. . . someone with cancer. You think there are alot of guys out there who would want to be with a girl who has cancer?"

In that moment he confirmed every fear I had about no man wanting to be with me because I had cancer. I had put him on some sort of pedestal he didn't deserve. I wondered if he was right.

Although I was angry at myself for wasting precious time with someone who was not worthy of it I did feel proud of myself for being strong enough to walk away despite all the fear.

How did cancer affect your relationships? Did you ever feel undateable because of cancer? Have you let yourself stay in a bad relationship because of your cancer? Did you find yourself reacting different to relationships than you had before your diagnosis?

A Do Over. . . Would You Want One??

2009-12-11T05:05:00.000-08:00

I recently saw a preview for the new season of Being Erica. The premise of the show is a young woman who is in therapy and her therapist sends her back in time as part of her treatment. She then has the opportunity to change her past and learn more about her family in the process. I haven't seen it but I find the concept intriguing. The concept of a "do over". The chance to change your past, how you treated others, things you may have said that you wish you could take back.

So in thinking about my life I couldn't help but wonder if I would want to be in Erica's shoes. I wondered if I would want that chance. The I asked myself if I was ok with my past as is. The answer I came up with to that question was yes. Although there is one moment in time I have regretted for many years.

It was the moment the Paul walked out the door the morning of his accident. The last moment I saw him alive. We had a fight that morning. Nothing major, just a stupid quibble however it was enough to make both of us forget to say "I love you". I took for granted that I would see him later that day. And for years after I wished I had told him I loved him before he walked out the door. Fifteen years later that regret has eased and I realize that he did know how much I loved him because I told him all the time. But these days before my husband Lou leaves the house I always say "I love you". And I always live with a little fear deep inside that it could be the last time.

I try hard to not live with regrets. I try to remember that the past is over and the future is uncertain but what is most important is to live in the moment. And most of the time I talk a good game because that is the hardest part for me. I watch my dog and realize how for him life is about moments and nothing more. All he longs for is to laze around, go for walks outside, to lay in the sun, to eat, and to lay in our laps at nite. I wish I could be more like him in that sense. Just be in the moment. And because of that he teaches me alot about life just through living his own.

Would you want a "do over"? Is there a moment in your life you wish you could change? What is your biggest regret? Have you seen the show "Being Erica"?

Soy. . . Does It Make A Body Good??

2009-12-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

After my treatment for breast cancer I began to really look at what I was eating. And in the process made significant changes to my diet. In my quest for healthier foods I became interested in soy. I had never eaten soy before, no edamame or tofu, but I was willing to try. I had always heard that soy was good for women. Women I knew were drinking soy milk and eating Luna bars. The only soy I had ingested at that point was the type included in processed foods which I suppose is not the good kind. Everything in a fresh state is best.

What I became concerned about was hearing that women with breast cancer should avoid soy. Reason being that soy, a plant, when it is ingested gets processed as a form of estrogen. For women with estrogen receptor positive tumors this would not be a good thing. Or so I was told by my doctors. I am one of those ER positive women. So I began running from soy. Reading labels like a lunatic and becoming afraid to ingest any food or dietary supplements that included soy as an ingredient.

That was 8 years ago. Since then the verdict on soy and breast cancer has been mixed. I found a recent article revealing the results of a study about soy. It says that soy is safe for breast cancer survivors and may even reduce mortality rates. However, in the medical community there is still debate about the topic. One MD says that he feels soy as part of a balanced diet is safe however he would not go so far as to say it will reduce mortality rates in women with breast cancer. Read the article here.

I am a big believer in moderation. Over the years I have stopped running in fear of soy. I was glad to hear this news although you never know what the next verdict will be...

As a breast cancer survivor do you include soy as a part of your diet? Did you ever fear soy after your treatment? How do you maintain a balance in your diet?

I'm Sitting And I Can't Get Up. . .

2009-12-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

That was what I spent most of this morning screaming to myself inside my head when I jumped off of the couch and felt a stabbing pain shoot down my right leg. As my right leg longed to buckle under me I thought to myself "Dear God just don't let me hit the floor!" And luckily I didn't. I grabbed the wall edge as my dog ran over and stared at me with a furrowed look on his face. He certainly was not going to be of any help to me. I was all alone. Somehow though I was able to hobble over to my couch to sit. Then the fear washed over me and tears ran streaming from my eyes. I felt frightened and sad.

I suddenly flashed back to when I was sick. To when I had cancer. I thought about how bad I felt in the hospital after cancer surgery being unable to walk on my own. I thought about having to sit on a shower chair and needing help to wash myself. And then I thought about being stuck on the couch after my first chemo treatment with a headache so bad I hoped I wouldn't die that night. I was all alone. The lonliness became palpable once again. And although I was thankful that this was nowhere near as bad it was enough to bring those sucky memories rushing back.

So I cried. And then cried some more. So much that I thought I would never stop. As I sat there on the couch I noticed the pain in my back was gone but I must have been crying over the pain in my heart. Crying over the fear. And it just snowballed from there.

As I sit here and write this I am feeling better. Partly thanks to Advil. And I am sure my crying fit did nothing to help the stress in my back muscles. I hate feeling this way. I haven't yet figured out how to handle the associated reactions better...

Have you ever experienced a flashback similar to this? How did you react? How did you handle the emotion?

Cancer and the Holidays. . . How Do You Deal??

2009-11-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

The holidays are always a crazy time of year and sometimes they can bring out the worst in people. That was true for those around me. So when I was going through my chemo treatments back in 2001 I wondered how I would handle holiday craziness while I felt exhausted, sick, and depressed. I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving meal not even the stuffing which was always my favorite. Nothing tasted good to me because of chemo. I seriously considered grilled cheese for dinner as it was the only thing I enjoyed eating that didn't really taste like metal.

What was harder to figure out though was how I would handle my family and put myself first. Putting myself ahead of others was not something that came easily to me. But cancer certainly gave me the ability to see things more clearly. I had to figure out a game plan that would allow me to get through the holiday with as little stress as possible. I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to do. How did I want to spend the day. And what I came up with was not as appealing to my mom as it was to me. I wanted to make a lasagna and eat it with my brother and his girlfriend at my place. Not everyone in my family got along but I knew the 3 of us would. I promised my mom that we would all go to her house for dessert. She reluctantly agreed. It was alot of work to cook but I was pleased that I could do what I wanted for once in my life. I didn't eat much but I enjoyed the quiet dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. After the meal we headed over to see my mom and grandma for dessert and it was short and comfortable.

I got through the day with minimal craziness and was proud of myself for expressing my needs to those around me. It was not easy however the benefits far outweighed the risks so to speak. Going through cancer treatment is so very difficult and it changes you. The experience also can change those around you good or bad. I think it is important to draw boundaries at times like these and make your needs known. Think about what you want. Think about what would make you happy for the holiday. And try your hardest to make that happen. Drawing those boundaries is important and doesn't have to be reserved for the holidays although for me it is when those around me are all caught up in the craziness. It is what I try to arm myself with in order to not loose myself. I tried to focus on what I was thankful for that day. And that was feeling thankful for still being alive.

How do you handle the holidays? If you are currently going through treatment have you had to be more expressive with your needs especially during the holidays? How have those around you responded? Has having cancer made you say or do things that you normally would not?

Breast Cancer Screening Guidelines . . . What Do You Think??

2009-11-20T05:46:00.000-08:00

As a young breast cancer survivor I am sure I will be in the minority when I say this but I am not alarmed by the new mammography guidelines released by the USPSTF. The recommended change is to increase the age from 40 to 50 for mammograms in otherwise healthy women. This debate has become so heated that even a well respected clinician like
Dr. Susan Love is getting alot of flack for her support of the recommendations. She addresses these issues on her blog. A great organization called Breast Cancer Action (BCA) includes their take on this issue via a statement on their website. They are one of the few in support of it as well.

I am an 8 year breast cancer survivor diagnosed at 31 years old. I was not at the age to get mammograms and did not have a significant family history of the disease. It was not something I thought about at all. That is until I found a lump in my breast. I went to the doctor who recommended a mammogram. No tumor was evident however the results came back revealing subtle architechtural distortion of the breast tissue therefore a biopsy was recommended. The diagnosis was Stage II breast cancer. I had a mastectomy, reconstruction and chemo. These days I go annually for mammograms as part of my post cancer followup. Mammography has been known to not be a good screening tool for young women because of the dense breast tissue. I have actually been told by a radiologist that my mammo's are almost impossible to read for that reason which leads me to question why I am having them done. Breast MRI is known to have a high false positive rate which is why it is not recommended for use in otherwise healthy women. I have had breast MRI resulting in a false positive which lead to an unnecessary biopsy. There is also the concern about radiation exposure from tests such as these causing cancer as the young age group is more suseptible to this than the older population. I have to admit this concerns me as well.

This change in recommendations does not address the lack of an effective screening tool for young women. Young women are in the same boat they were before as are most young adults. I think right now the most important thing women in our age group can do is be familiar with your breasts, know your risk factors, and if you find something abnormal get to the doctor and have it checked out. Kairol Rosenthal is the author of "Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20's and 30's". She is also in support of these guidelines and today has written a blog post more specific to the Breast Self Exam (BSE) aspect of those recommendations. I have shared my opinion with Kairol on that topic. Check it out here.

I think there needs to be less anger driven debates and more direction towards how we can reduce mortality rates in young women starting with finding a more effective screening tool for this population. I think that using an ineffective tool for lack of something better gives a false sense of security to the many women fearful of getting this disease.

How do you feel about the new guidelines? Do you think the debate has become too heated? Do you think people's reactions are fear driven? Where do you think the focus should be? As a young women what issue is most important to you regarding breast cancer screening?

Can Good Nutrition Prevent Cancer??

2009-11-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

When I was diagnosed with cancer I was hoping for the cookbook recipe to ensure I would survive. If I do this type of surgery, this type of chemo, take this medication then I will be ok. There were alot of decisions to make under the advice of my doctors but what none of them could tell me with 100% certainty is how long I would live if I survived.

When treatment was over the fear of recurrence set in. I felt like all I was going to do was wait for cancer to strike again unless I became proactive about my life. So part as part of my quest I began to look for alternative ways to maintain my health and improve my lifestyle.

Nutrition was a good place for me to start. As I looked back on my life and the things I ate it became no surprise to me why I was sick so much. I never drank water, never ate veggies and barely at fruit. I can't even tell you what I was eating although I can promise you it's nutritional value was barely existent. Over the years since I finished my treatment I have made many improvements to my diet. I even began juicing. But what I did notice though is I tend to become obsessed with it all. And I am well aware that this obsession stems from fear.

And then I think about people in my family that never had cancer. Like my Grandma who lived to the ripe old age of 85 and smoked since she was 16, ate white bread with every meal, drank coffee daily, enjoyed pizza, nitrite laden cold cuts, and even KFC. She was never sick until 2 years before she died and was diagnosed with emphysema. I also remember how often she prayed. And how positive she tried to be. She always gave up her worries to something bigger than herself. And she always advised me to do the same. Now that is the part of haven't had much success with. It is what I struggle with the most. I have an easier time controlling what I eat than the crazy thoughts that swim through my mind most of the time.

So, do I think that good nutrition can prevent cancer? I am not sure to tell you the truth although I do believe it can help. I tend to believe it is not one specific thing. I think it is about balance. A delicate balance the body and the mind. I believe that the thoughts you put in your head can affect your health just as much as the food you put in your mouth.

Tonite I will be a guest on the Stupid Cancer Show. This is the topic up for discussion. So join me to listen in and hang in the chatroom with other young survivors! It is sure to be an interesting show! Check it out here http://bit.ly/1D2pEB

Do you think that what you eat can affect your health? Since your cancer diagnosis have you made changes to your lifestyle and/or diet in an effort to stay well? If so what prompted this change in you?

The Impatient Patient

2009-11-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

One would think that after 8 years I would have built up a stronger wall. But once I am in that orange striped gown open to the front I am instantly a half naked fearful patient. As scared as I am though I have much less patience for stupidity.

Yesterday I had my annual checkup with my oncologist. I have passed the 5 year mark which means that I only have mammo's each year but no more bloodwork. So it should have been an easy appointment. Then again, what about cancer is ever easy.

As I paced back and forth waiting for the doc I was startled when someone new walked through the door. She introduced herself as a Fellow and looked as if she were in her early 30's. She informed me that my doctor would be in soon. Hoping she didn't see me roll my eyes I thought about how I was not in the mood to be a lab rat again. I suppose that is par for the course when you go to a teaching hospital, a major cancer center. Still I would have appreciated more preparedness on her part. One of her first questions was about why I decided to not take Tamoxifen. All I thought was "here we go..." As I explained my reasons while she stood there debating them I wanted to ask her why this was even coming up now as I had this discussion 7 years ago with my doctor. She continued on asking tons of questions like what kind of surgery I had...all of which she could have found out had she thoroughly reviewed my chart.

As my patience began to wane I was quite startled at what came next. She stepped in front of me and opened my gown to do a breast exam. As soon as she saw my boobs her eyes bugged out and her mouth LITERALLY dropped open in amazement. At that moment I as a person ceased to exist. All that she was interested in was me from the neck down. It went something like this...

"OMG....that is amazing. Did you have a TRAM flap?" she said while still staring at my boobs with wide doe eyes.

"Yes" I replied wondering why she didn't read that in my chart.

"Wow! That is the best one I have seen....unbelieveable! Who did your surgery?"

When I told her who did it all I could think about was how bad I felt. I thought about how when I looked in the mirror I did not think it looked amazing. When I look in the mirror I am reminded of what I lost. I am reminded of how lopsided I look and how I can no longer feel anything on that side. Which lead to her next question...

"What does it feel like?" she asked with her eyes finally glancing up to meet mine.

"It feels numb all over." I said as I began to feel like something that should be working a side show.

What she didn't realize was how quickly she separated me into parts. It felt as though she was more interested in my reconstructed boob and not in the person it was attached to. Her bug eyed reaction to my boobs will be on my long list of inappropriate responses by medical staff. It made me feel uncomfortable. I only wish I had the guts to tell her so. She may have gotten all A's in med school but I would score her bedside manner a big fat F.

Has a doctor ever made you feel uncomfortable either through words or actions? How did you handle it? Have you ever been an impatient patient? Ever disagreed with your doc? How did he/she react?

Do You Remember Your First Kiss??

2009-11-05T10:31:00.000-08:00

It was a very hot summer nite in August of '86. I had just turned 16. I could smell his Drakkar cologne mixed in with the exhaust fumes from his father's maroon Chevette. As we quickly rounded the corner I heard the squeak of the breaks. I didn't want to look up. I didn't want the ride to end.

Janet Jackson's When I Think Of You was blaring from the radio speakers. The windows were rolled down. I felt the warm humid breeze blowing through my hair as I turned to glance over at him. He gently touched my hand with his. His hand was big and strong overpowering mine. I wanted his big arms wrapped around me. I could feel goosebumps riding up my spine. As his hand lightly squeeze mine I felt very warm and tingly. It was the first time a boy ever held my hand. I was too shy to look in his eyes but I could almost feel his smile. The moonlight coming through the car window showered light on our hands. The moment seemed never ending. I wanted time to stop.

I felt his hand gently pull mine closer to him as if to lead me into his arms. The other hand touched my face. I was afraid he could hear the sound of my knees shaking. And just like that I felt his lips quickly touch mine. It was a soft, wet kiss that brought the goosebumps back again.

So unsure of what to say or do I said goodbye and practically jumped out of the car. I could feel my smile getting bigger as I approached my house. I turned to look back at him and heard the whirring of the engine getting louder. I was just about to wave when I heard "Cath...is that you?" in my mom's concerned voice billowing out of the kitchen window. Rolling my eyes with a sigh escaping my breath I clicked the latch on the door. I walked inside, headed straight for the stairs and up to my room. As I felt myself bounce on my bed belly flop style I licked my lips. I touched them as if something big had just happened. I tried to remember the feeling, the softness of his mouth. All of the other sounds in the house were quickly drowned out by the song playing in my head. I began to replay that moment. A thousand times would never be enough. I could only hope it would happen again.

Little did I know at the time but I had just shared my first kiss with the man I would someday marry...

Do you remember your first kiss? How old were you? Is it a fond memory or something you would rather forget?

News Segment On Self Breast Exams Featuring Bare Boobs. . . Necessary Or Not??

2009-11-03T05:12:00.000-08:00

I have no doubt that doing self exams helps to save lives. I was 31 years old when I found a lump in my breast that turned out to be cancer. Although I was never vigilant about doing self exams I found the lump while in the shower one morning doing what I named the "poke around". I was soaping myself up and was just being lazy I guess not using the proper clinical techniques but I found it nonetheless. I think I first learned how to do the exam via an article in a women's magazine. There were written instructions and diagrams. Then when I began going to the gynecologist in my early twenties I was instructed in the proper techniques. I believe there is enough information out there that putting a commercial segment on TV showing a woman doing a breast exam nude is just not necessary.

A recent article on CBS News.com discusses this issue about an ABC affiliate station in D.C. that aired a segment showing a woman doing a self breast exam and did not blur out the boobs. Check out the video here. It also noted in the article that the station was airing the segments during fall sweeps week. I found that interesting and couldn't help but wonder as many others whether the station is airing the segments for shock value to enhance ratings. Of course they say that is not true. What they do say is that the motivation behind the segment stemmed from learning through research that the majority of women don't know how to do these exams. But I personally question that as there are so many other ways for women to gain knowledge about doing self exams without showing a young woman's bare boobs during the 5 o'clock news.

Have you heard about this segment? What do you think? Do you wonder if it is a ratings stunt? When did you first learn how to do your breast self exams?

Boobbook. . . I Thought It Was Facebook??

2009-10-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have to say I was unaware that women are joining Facebook to show off their boobs and men are only on there to check them out. This according to actor Kevin Connolly is the reason Facebook should just be called Boobbook. I thought I was on there to meet up with friends and network. But alas I was wrong.

Celebrities like Jack Black and Kevin Connolly are starring in ads to raise breast cancer awareness as part of the Men For Women Now Campaign. If you haven't seen these ads head over there and check them out. In one ad Jack Black is shoving his man boob into a mammo machine to show just how "easy" it is. In another ad Kevin Connolly is asking men to save some boobs cause "who doesn't love boobs right?"

Who cares about saving the woman lets just save some boobs cause that is the only part of a woman that matters right? Maybe I am just sensitive about this subject but I am disappointed that some people feel that the only way to get men on the bandwagon to support women with breast cancer is to promote saving the body part in trouble vs the woman. Women are more than their breasts. To face losing one is such a hit to your self-esteem and sexuality. But it just seems to go along with how women have been exploited by men for many years.

I like to believe that men are better than that and smarter. I look forward to the day a campaign to raise breast cancer awareness led by men does not involve talking about just saving the boobs!

Have you seen these ads? What do you think? Do you think there is a better way to get the message across to men without exploiting women's breasts? Are you sensitive to these types of ads?

Do You Feel Exploited By The Pink Ribbon Campaign??

2009-10-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

I read a recent article in the Boston Globe titled "Sick of Pink" and it got me to thinking. I began to wonder how many survivors felt exploited by the pink ribbon campaign and dread the month of October as I have begun to do in recent years. It is no secret for those that read this blog how I have questioned the motivation of some companies who slap the pink ribbon on their products. I do feel exploited as a survivor and think that some companies use the pink ribbon to increase their sales. Let's face it...the pink ribbon is much prettier to look at than the reality of breast cancer. Some of the products are so ridiculous it makes me laugh at times. Ranging from the pink snuggie, smartwater, sharpie pens, and recently this year the pink swiffer it has gotten to be out of control.

Some companies even make you go through hoops to get that minimal donation from purchasing their product to the bc organization they support. I recently found out that when you buy a pink swiffer the company will donate a whopping 2 cents and that is only after the consumer sends in a coupon. There's a nice loophole. Spend 44 cents to donate 2 cents if you even remember to mail it in. At that point the consumer should just donate directly to the organization of their choice and call it a day.

And then there's Yoplait who for years included the hormone RBST in their yogurt which has been linked to breast cancer. I am glad that Yoplait has cleaned up the cows they are getting the milk from and are now hormone free but why do you have to require the consumer to mail in the lids? More leg work for the consumer and stamps to waste for a 10 cent donation.

To close this rant I have saved Jingle Jugs for last which are posted in the above images. Jingle Jugs are plastic breasts mounted on wood that jiggle to music picked by the consumer and they even have a slogan for breast cancer month..."Jingle Jugs For Life". How much more tasteless and raunchy can you get? A company that is exploiting women's breasts and then hoping to use that to cash in on the cause marketing frenzy. As a survivor this is just offensive to me. I am all for raising money for the cause but to me I would rather pick the organization and donate money directly to them.

As a survivor do ever feel exploited by the pink ribbon campaign? Do you question the motivation of some companies who slap the ribbon on their product? Do you purchase pink products or would you rather donate money directly to the organization you choose? If you are not a survivor how do you feel about cause marketing during breast cancer awareness month?

Posing Topless After Breast Cancer. . . Would You Do It?

2009-10-22T07:43:00.001-07:00

I came upon this story on MSNBC about a 49 year old UK woman who turned down Playboy 30 years earlier and recently posed nude after her mastectomy and reconstruction. She is wanting to raise awareness and give hope to other survivors. This got me to thinking about whether or not seeing another woman's breast cancer scars is necessarily the best way to do that.

A couple of years ago I was contacted by a freelance writer who was working on an article about young survivors who had breast reconstruction and wanted to share the stories of how they felt about their breast cancer scars. I gladly went through the interview and was excited to be able to share my emotional experience. My excitement quickly turned to anxiety when I found out after the fact that the writer wanted me to pose topless for the article. I decided not to do it. I had enough trouble looking at myself in the mirror and just wouldn't feel comfortable sharing that image with strangers who would be seeing my scarred boobs at their local newsstand. Now that is not to judge those who do choose to do just that. It was not the right choice for me. And I also question other than the shock factor to sell magazines how much that could help other women. To me I felt as though the story and emotion I could bring forth through words could help just as much.

I was very disappointed to find out that said writer decided to not include my story in her article because I would not pose topless. It made me feel as though my story was not as important as the shocking boob images she wanted to include possibly to garner attention for her article. I couldn't help but wonder whether other survivors felt the same. It made me wonder whether seeing those types of photos was crucial to raising awarness and whether it could give hope to other women with breast cancer. I felt as though it was exploiting breast cancer survivors just as magazines like Playboy have exploited women for many years. I think that a woman choosing to pose topless after cancer and using it as she sees fit is a personal choice however when magazines seek out survivors to pose topless for their articles it just comes off exploitative to me.

During breast cancer month I have see many a glossy with topless photos of women with breast cancer and wonder if it is really benefiting other women or serving to increasing sales for that magazine. If a woman gets diagnosed with breast cancer she will most likely see a plastic surgeon who will gladly show her before and after shots of women who have had mastectomies and reconstruction. That is what my doctor did for me. I just don't think it needs to be in a magazine at the local newsstand.

Would you ever pose topless after breast cancer? Do you think that topless photos of survivors gives others hope? Do you feel as though magazines are exploiting breast cancer survivors by doing this? What do you think motivated this woman to pose nude after she had breast cancer?

So This Is What It's Come To?? How Far Would You Go For Health Insurance??

2009-10-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

Have you all heard this story about the husband who joined the army for 4 years to get health insurance for his wife who has ovarian cancer? It makes me feel sad that he had to go to those lengths just for insurance coverage. Now he will have to be away from his family for years while his wife is going through treatment for such a devestating disease. Bill Caudle was laid off from the company he had worked at for 20 years due and could no longer afford health insurance for his family. His wife is currently going through chemo for ovarian cancer. Now she will have to be left without the support of her life partner during one of the most awful times of her life. Like having cancer isn't stressful enough. It should never have come to this.

I was very lucky to have had good health insurance 8 years ago during my surgery and treatment for breast cancer. These days my insurance is not accepted at the facility I choose to go to for my followup visits and 2 years ago my annual breast MRI showed a spot which lead to a biopsy costing about 12k. My insurance covered 70 percent of what they thought the facility should charge and I had to pick up the tab for the other 30 percent plus the difference. This took me many months to pay off. Of course the most important thing was the benign biopsy results however the added stress of medical bills is enough to make you crazy.

While I was going through my treatment I accumulated a pile of bills and insurance statements I couldn't even stand to look at because it would spin me into a panic attack. I was lost in a daze of surgery, chemo, and trying to get myself to work everyday so I could keep my insurance. At times I felt like I needed someone to sift through all my paperwork and help me decipher it all. Through not paying attention I actually screwed myself out of 4 thousand in charges for breast reconstruction that should have been covered. I found it too late and of course missed the time frame to file a grievance. And now because of my cancer history I have to be careful not to let my insurance lapse because I would have to wait months to begin new coverage.

Check out the article about Bill Caudle and share your thoughts here...

Did you have insurance coverage during your illness? Have you ever had to go to great lengths to get health insurance? What do you think about this husband joining the army for the health care coverage?

Blogging For Boobs

2009-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

I am guest bloggin today over at Talkin With Teenie for her first annual Blogging For Boobs Breast Bash 2009. Tina is the daughter of a breast cancer survivor and is having guest bloggers share their breast cancer stories all month long to raise awareness and funds to support those with breast cancer. I am sharing my own story about dating with cancer and also giving away a copy of my book Breastless in the City.

So head over to her blog, check out my post and please share the link!

Are you single and going through cancer? If so are you continuing to date? What has that experience been like? Has your cancer diagnosis stopped you from continuing in the dating scene?

Secretly Wishing You Had Breast Cancer???

2009-10-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

This picture is from Post Secret. My first thought was WTF?!! And then I got angry. As a breast cancer survivor I am especially appalled that any normal healthy person would ever wish for a disease that is killing young women! Breast cancer is NOT the way to get skinny and get a boob job!! How about trying diet and exercise! That is the healthier way to go about it without risking death!

I had a mastectomy and TRAM flap reconstruction where they took a piece of belly fat and muscle to make a new breast. It was 10 hours of surgery that I was afraid I would never wake up from. When I finally did I wished I hadn't I was in so much pain. Although I joke about getting a "free tummy tuck" humor is my way of dealing with the emotional pain and fear I live with as a cancer survivor. I feel as though I have earned that right.

I think the person who wrote this should spend some time with chemo patients who are going bald, vomiting, in early menopause, have chemobrain and then decide if breast cancer still looks enticing. Then take a look at a young woman that has just had that so called boob job with scars, a fake nipple, and no sensation left in that breast and see what you think.

I would never wish breast cancer on my worst enemy nor would I ever wish it on myself. Although I try to take away the positives from a bad experience like how stronger I am from having gone through it, a postive has never been my fake left boob or the huge scar running across my belly that I have to see every day when I look in the mirror. A constant daily reminder of what was taken away because of cancer.

Have you seen this pic? What do you think? Does it make you angry? What would you tell this person if you had the chance?

Breast Cancer PSA or Beer Commercial?

2009-10-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

Have any of you seen this new "Save the Boobs" ad campaign? I was totally out of the loop until the other day when I read a blog by my friend and fellow cancer survivor Kairol Rosenthal. She is the author of Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20's and 30's a fabulous book for young adults with cancer. Her post "Using Sex to Sell Breast Cancer" is worth a read.

I got so fired up about it that I wanted to share my opinion of it her on my own blog. My first thought was that it came across more like a beer commercial rather than an ad to raise breast cancer awareness. As a young woman who dated through breast cancer treatment I was angered by how it was soley focused on gawking on a young woman's boobs. It actually was a reminder of what I was up against while dating bald and boobless! It is all about the boobs and directed at young men. It is sending the message that if you still want to be sexy and gawked at by men you better hold on to your most important asset...your boobs. So what then is a young woman to do when she is faced with losing one or both? Is she left to feel that she will never be worthy without her breast?

I feel like there already is too much out there affecting young women with regards to body image and self-esteem. All of the size 0 girls in magazines who's images have been air brushed bombard us each day at newsstands and bookstores. I don't think that a young woman strutting her stuff and bouncing her boobs in a video will bring awareness to the plight of young women with breast cancer. I am sure that young men will enjoy watching it but they may be the only ones.

Have you seen this ad? What do you think? Do you think this will help increase breast cancer awareness?

Do You Think Before You Pink??

2009-10-02T04:46:00.000-07:00

Pink has always been my favorite color ever since I was a little girl. My room was painted pink, I had pink bedding on my white canopy bed, and when I got older pink was my favorite choice for nail polish and lipstick. Little did I know that when I was in my thirties I would never look at that color the same again. Although it is still my favorite I have to say that during October I get sick of seeing it on almost every product from bottled water to Sharpie highlighter pens.

As a breast cancer survivor I don't want to come off as ungrateful or bitchy about the bc awareness campaign. Its just that I can't help but wonder as I do every year if some companies tag themselves with that pink ribbon to increase their sales. That is why I was glad to find out about a campaign looking out for just that. Its called Think Before You Pink. A project of Breast Cancer Action, it was launched in 2002 in response to an increasing concern about the huge number of pink ribbon products and promotions on the market.

Something else to consider is where the money is going. If you are a young adult survivor is the money from that product going to organizations that support your age group? I say to ensure your money goes where you want it to the best way is to donate directly to that organization.

Be sure to check out this campaign and let me know what you guys think!

Do you ever think before you buy pink products? Do you ever get tired of seeing the pink ribbon slapped on tons of products? Ever think about where the money goes?

Flowers From A Stranger

2009-09-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

This morning I headed to my local Trader Joe's for groceries. While I was waiting at in line at the checkout a man cut in front of me. I was startled but I am not one to make a fuss. Something like that is certainly not worth getting upset about. So I kept quiet and patiently waited till it was my turn.

As I was packing my bags the cashier from the next lane over quickly showed up next to me with a bouquet of flowers. I have to say I was startled.

"These are for you free of charge for being so patient with that." he said with a smile.

"Awwww, thank you so much." I responded wondering for a second what he was referring to. I paused for a moment and realized that he must have meant the guy who cut in line.

I smiled to myself and thought about how I haven't gotten flowers in a long time. I thought about how this was the first time I was ever acknowledged by or received flowers from a stranger. It was a very sweet gesture and so unexpected. Aren't those the best kind?

When I arrived home I enjoyed spending time cutting and arranging. I couldn't help but break out my camera. Now I am thinking that I need to buy some flowers for myself on occasion!

Has a stranger ever done something thoughtful for you? How did it make you feel? Have you ever done something for someone you didn't know?

Bra Zero

2009-09-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

I remember when bra shopping was fun. I remember when it made me feel sexy. I remember when it became a chore.

That happened when I lost my boob. And although they built me a brand spankin new one I was now lopsided. Yeah, I know they say that all women have one boob smaller/larger than the other but still. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to be a girl.

It seemed as though once I lost my boob Victoria’s Secret catalogs showed up everywhere I turned. That those dam bra commercials were on some crazy rotation on every channel I surfed through. Don’t even get me started on shopping in that store or any for that matter. I swear I must have tried on every bra known to man. Every brand, every size, every type. One thing I have realized… I live in an underwire world. All I wanted was a bra without wire. I had no clue it would be near impossible. And if I did in fact hit the bra lotto happening to stumble upon one you could be sure it wasn’t a pretty, girly, one.

Now, back in the day I was a big fan of underwire. It was all I wore. I found it pretty comfortable until I tried to shove a newly reconstructed boob into one. My plastic surgeon practically dared me to try it. I laughed wondering “how hard could it be?” I had done it before right? Well, I was in a for a rude awakening. Initially I had settled into the sporty type, which I must admit were sooo comfortable but quite unflattering. I found I had traded the lopsidedness for flatchested and bound. So I lived in those for quite a while as I became increasingly pissed off at my inability to find myself a nice girly bra. Each time I looked in the mirror at my scars, and a newly built headlight that was forever “on” I wondered why it had to be so dam hard to find something to at least make me look nice from the outside….something to hide all that and still make me feel pretty. Sexy even.

As I stroll through VS now I look around at all these tweens doing their own bra shopping wondering how could it be possible that at such a young age it warrants sexy lacy underwire bra’s? You know…the ones I can no longer wear in my 30’s. I remember being that age having my mom pretty much pick those out for me, not that there was much of a selection back then where we shopped. Jealous much?! Not only was I feeling unattractive and ugly, I was feeling dam old!

Where I was heading with all this is that I FINALLY found a one! And it fit all my requirements with a bonus. No wire, with padding (to cover the headlight that never shuts off) and drumroll please……LACE!! I wanted to cry I was so happy. Thank You Calvin Klein!

But you know what happens next right? It is sure to be discontinued! LOL

This was originally posted in May of '08. As I am in full on bra shopping mode I thought I would share once again!

As a breast cancer survivor do you have difficulty with bra shopping? Have you been successful? Do you find that you feel jealous when you see women shopping in VS without a thought to what will fit?

What Calms You??

2009-09-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

I took this picture over the weekend. The weather was so beautiful with windows to the fall. All I had to do was walk across the street from our house and it was like I went to another world.

Whether it is the ocean or a lake, water has always had a calming effect on me. I love to just sit and look out at the endless blue and listen to waves hitting against the shore. Even the little sound of water rippling against the rocks takes me out of my funk.

That is what I needed yesterday. I woke up with a headache, feeling crummy and spent most of my day inside on the couch waiting for the pain to subside and the cloudy feeling go away. It was so nice outside I was mad to be missing it. It makes me anxious. It reminds me of when I had cancer. All the days and nights spent on the couch in pain, crying, alone. Somehow it takes me right back to that bad place. I don't know how that happens. Its there without warning. And having a headache certainly is no comparison to my cancer sickness thankfully. I guess it is like those associated reactions I blogged about a few weeks ago.

The most important thing for me when I feel like that is figuring out how to get myself to a better place. Maybe not while I am in pain but certainly when it subsides. So that is what I did. Although I had missed most of the day by the time my head quit pounding I looked out the window took a deep breath of the fresh air and put on my sneaks. It was a short walk down the the reservoir. As I listened to my feet crunching on the stones that carried me to the shoreline I could feel a sense of calm I hadn't felt all day. There was a slight breeze and I could hear the waves gently lapping against shore. I stood there for a good 20 minutes and almost forgot where I was. The sounds of cars whooshing by on the road were gone for a few moments. I wished I could stay there forever. To have a sense of calm such as that to carry me through difficult days. It's no wonder I always return to the water in times of stress. I just wish I could feel that way in my own head sometimes on my own...

What calms you? How do you handle stress? What do you do when you need to get away from the voices in your head?

Fashion and Cancer

2009-09-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Today in honor of fashion week I am over at Cancer Directory blogging about how I feel fashion can enhance our lives especially during tough times.

Check out FASHIONISTA!. . . Think You Can't Be One If You Have Cancer??

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

That Was Then. . .

2009-09-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

As I looked at her sitting in a wheelchair, her body broken from illness, silver curls atop her head, I could see the life still hidden behind her eyes. She could not speak. Her metal rimmed glasses hid pretty blue eyes that had no doubt seen many things over the years.

I wheeled her into her room which was decorated with photos of family and friends sharing a life well lived. The smell of alcohol and sickness permeated the space. I stared at the black and white collage dancing on the wall. I looked back at her. She was watching and wondering. I asked her if I could look at the pictures. The widening of her baby blues was her only response.

And there it was...a wedding photo of her in a striking long white dress made of lace with short cap sleeves and a cathedral length veil adorned with mini white flowers. Her hair was long and dark brown with cascading curls falling upon her shoulders. A dark shade of lipstick outlined her smile. A large bouquet of pale colored roses she held in her hand. I asked her if that was her and she faintly nodded her head. I told her it was beautiful. Then I saw a tear starting to escape from the corner of her eye.

I couldn't help but wonder what was going through her mind at that moment. I wondered if she felt trapped in that body. I wondered if she always felt sad. As I looked at her trying to console her I thought about how each of us is headed to a similar fate. We will all get older and with any luck be around when we are old and gray. It reminded me of how much I need to enjoy the moments I have now when my mind and body are well. I hated telling her I had to go. And when I stepped out the door of her room and looked back at her I was the one wiping away a tear...

Do you ever ponder the future or live in the moment? Have you ever had a similar experience where an elder has taught you something in a brief moment of interaction?

My Juicer Is Dusty. . .

2009-09-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

I remember when my mom used to try to get me to eat veggies. I hated them. Hated anything green. I wouldn't even eat salad. I was the one out to dinner declining the salad that came with my entree. I never drank water. Only high sugar fruit drinks, soda and then during my teen and young adult years it was diet soda or as I refer to it now...brown water with chemicals. My diet consisted of processed foods, no veggies, and mostly crap. Much of nothin! It is no wonder that I was always feeling sick, always coming down with something. I worked in a hospital and was exposed to germs on a daily basis. I started missing the fact that I couldn't fight anything off for very long.

Then came a cancer diagnosis. Then my world turned upside down. Since going through cancer treatment I have changed my diet in many ways. After treatment was over I was figuring out how to get back to life after cancer. Changing my nutrition was one of the lifestyle changes I made during that time. It also became my way of trying to control the fear. Fear of recurrence became a daily experience. It was worse in the beginning but I still live with it today, 8 years later.

With the help of a holistic doc I was encouraged to try juicing. I began drinking mostly water, started eating veggies and consuming less processed foods. I was trying to avoid ingesting chemicals. Of course I was no angel. I was doing everything in moderation trying not to obsess. Once I started juicing 6 years ago I started to enjoy it. I began with apples and carrots because they fed my sweet tooth. Then I slowly introduced the greens. Cucumbers and celery were about as far as I went until I tried kale.

What I didn't realize though was my obsession. I used the juicer every single day and if I missed a day I would get really crabby. And then I would worry. It got to the point that I felt as if the juicing was keeping me alive somehow. Like if I stopped my cancer would instantly come back. I never realized how deep the fear went.

4 months ago I stopped juicing. I don't even know why. I think I just wanted a break from the hour I was spending tied to my sink cleaning veggies and then cleaning the juicer. And I was scared at first. Every day I said to my husband "I didn't make my juice today" as if I would instantly combust right in front of him.

So now my juicer is dusty. I haven't gone back to using it yet. This is the longest I have left it sitting there. Sometimes I feel like the worrying and obsessing over using it is worse for my health than the not using it. Does that make sense? Sometimes I feel scared, sometimes I feel guilty. Then I wish for a time when I didn't even know the "c" word.

I still believe that changing my diet has helped to keep me healthy. I wish I didn't feel as though it is the only thing. I think I need to spend more time figuring out ways to keep my mind healthier for the sake of my body.

Have you made any changes to your lifestyle in response to an illness? Ever tried juicing? Do you obsess over things in an attempt to gain control??

Young Adult Widows

2009-09-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be the 15th anniversary of my first husband's death and although it is something I typically don't write about on this blog I think it is an important topic to discuss. Especially for young adults that experience that type of loss. Even though the circumstances of the death may be different the emotional experiences can be similar.

So I am sharing the link to a blog post over at Everything Changes. My friend Kairol Rosenthal who is a fellow young adult cancer survivor and the author of Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20'2 and 30's had a guest blogger write about her experience as a young widow who lost her spouse to cancer. If you haven't read Kairol's blog check it out today! She writes about all kinds of topics that young adult cancer survivors deal ranging from handling health insurance woes all the way to taboo topics such as sex during cancer treatment. This particular post sparked a really interesting conversation on this topic.

Here is the link to the post Mourning As A Young Adult.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a spouse at a young age? How did you handle it? What is the most significant loss you have suffered?

Procrastination. . . Wishing I Wasn't So Good At It

2009-09-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

I have never had a to do list and if I did nothing would be checked. As far back as I can recall I have had a hard time with getting things done in the now. In school I was always cramming the night before an exam or finishing a paper the last minute. Although I seem to do my best work under pressure it certainly causes me undue stress. My husband on the other hand is the polar opposite of me. He has great difficulty understanding why it takes me so long to get things done. I have been this way forever. I am having a hard time trying to change.

And it isn't just the bad stressful stuff I would put off like doctors appointments. I began to notice that even exciting good things would be put off to the side, to be forgotten about, and at my worst, missed. I find it hard to just start. But once I get the momentum going I am good. I wonder why I am like this. I so want to change.

I have started making more lists of things to do which on occasion has helped me move along. I am better at getting things done for others when I am given a set deadline but without that I am donning the crown of procrastination queen yet again.

Do you procrastinate? Are you too good at it? Have you been able to change your ways? If so ....how?

Soup of the Day

2009-08-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

As I glanced over to my right I heard him say to the waiter "My wife died". His hand was outstretched as if he wanted to connect. He was dining alone. If I had to guess I would say he was about 80 years old. His navy blue hat had gold ticking on the letters that let me know he is a WWII veteran. The hat was adorned with pins from glory days gone by. Velcro sneakers completed his outfit most likely picked out by his wife.

"Yes, we heard. Your daughter told us the bad news. We are so sorry for your loss." the waiter responded.

"She was a nice lady...my wife." he said with his sad squinted eyes.

My heart broke for this man I didn't even know. I could feel the tear roll down my cheek as I tried to shovel more food into my mouth. I thought about how I dined alone when it happened to me. I remember looking in the mirror each morning and seeing my lifeless eyes. It was as if he took the soul of me with him when he left. I only knew Paul for 10 years and was married for just shy of 2 and here was a man who probably spent the past 60 years with this woman he looked lost without. Then I thought about Lou and I. I thought about how one will always outsurvive the other. One will always be left alone. I thought about how I never want to go through it again. I looked over at Lou and I wanted to hug him, kiss him, and never let go.

The waiter walked back over and asked him what he wanted to eat.

"What's the soup today?" he asked as he pulled a hankerchief out of the pocket of his tan pants.

"Chicken soup"

He paused, wiped his eyes, and said "My wife used to make that for me. I'll have that..."

Writing Exercise. . .

2009-08-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

I could barely see him over the pile of books I was juggling in my arms. As I listened to my white capezios tap, tap, along the cold terrazo my palms began to sweat. I slowly moved closer. I could smell his cologne. He had jet black hair that complimented his big brown Italian eyes. A ripped bandanna was tied around his head like Rambo most likely torn from an old gray sweatshirt. A red and white football jacket hung neatly on his broad muscular frame. Then I looked in his eyes. Then I remember where I first saw him.

I was neatly dressed in a red and green plaid uniform climbing the stairwell of St. Peter’s School. I noticed a boy quickly walking down past me looking very shy as if he were hiding something. His head was tilted to the left. With my childlike curiosity I strained my neck to see his face. I gasped quietly to myself noticing the dent around his left eye. The skin was multiple shades of red and purple. There were no eyelashes with only half of a brow. The eye appeared to be protruding from its socket.

Rachael ran up to me giddy with excitement demanding that I put my books down. As I bent down hoping my black pants held together I heard

“Cathy, this is Paul, and Paul this is Cathy…ok, now talk!”

She had tried to prepare me, told me how handsome he was and then sternly warned me a few days earlier.

“Do not stare at his left eye.”

“Why not?” I asked as my eyes grew wider.

“Because he has a lot of scars from sugeries. I don’t know the whole story but just don’t do it okay?”

“Okay, don’t worry, I won’t” I repied as I wondered if it was the same boy.

My eyes slowly gazed up and caught his smile as he reached his hand out to greet me. . .

I will occasionally be posting writing samples for a new project I am working on and would love to have input from you guys!

Mascara Isn't Good Enough Anymore??

2009-08-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

When I was going through chemo losing my hair was bad enough. And then out came my eyelashes and eyebrows too. Drawing on eyebrows was easy but the eyelash thing...not so much. I was too lazy to try fake lashes (truth be told...I was too scared to glue something to my eyelid) so there I was facing the mirror with my mascara wand cursing as I tried to lengthen the one lash I had left. I never had long luscious lashes so I used alot of black mascara to thicken them. It was easy, it washed off, and wasn't dangerous. Unless I poked myself in the eye with the mascara wand.

So a few months ago when I caught the commercial starring Brooke Shields for that new medication Latisse to lengthen lashes I had to wonder...why isn't mascara good enough anymore?? Then I wondered how dangerous it could be. Seriously...a medication for eyelashes? Maybe its just me but that just seems a tad bit unnecessary. It was hard to be without lashes for 6 months but I knew they would grow back. And today my lashes are still very small and sparse. But I am just glad they are back and I am certainly no stranger to mascara. I think I will stick with that. I have to wonder...are there really that many women for whom mascara isn't enough?

Did you loose your eyelashes during chemo? How did you handle it? Would you ever use something like Latisse to lengthen lashes after they grew back?